Monthly Archives: January 2013

Busy, Bloody

Blood-Drop

You have no concept of how much of my job has today as a deadline. Realistically about 20% of my entire job for the year has today as a deadline. Hopefully I got everything done because my brain has been mush for the last week.

Luckily I have three days to recover since I now work a 4 day week. Of course, those same 3 day weekends are probably going to be the death of me and any sort of productive activities. Do I paint the window trim that needs it so desperately? No, I do not. Do I visit bars earlier & earlier in the day? Yes, I do.

Tomorrow I’m going shopping for cute bras to attempt to match them to my panties as per Danny’s suggestion. Not sure if hubby will notice or anything, but maybe he’ll reward me with a good old fashioned ravishing. Most likely he will find the pair during an already scheduled ravishing. As long as said ravishing occurs, I’m good. Either I will be rewarded by being ravished or he will be rewarded with cuteness while ravishing.

Do Not Read Past This Point – Menopause Related.

Since transitioning from not having a period for 6 months to having my 2nd 2 week long period (period fatigue extraordinaire!) I started using the disposable version of the Moon Cup or Diva Cup (I bought the disposable ones because that’s all the store had). They work pretty damn well.

Don’t get me wrong – it is gross as hell dealing with it, but as far as being able to not be constantly leaking all day it rocks massively. Then YOU choose when to gross yourself out. Plus you can have sex while using them. Kinda messy sex, but not nearly as messy as without.

I have the best husband in the world, too; the other day I came home to freshly laundered piles of blood-colored towels of every size. I guess once he realized that blood was going to be a big part of our lives for a while, he went out & purchased them to make my life easier. Super Awesome! I did notice a few of them by the bed (hahahaha), which is conveniently outfitted with blood-colored sheets.

Busy, Busy

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Still haven’t finished with all of my year end work & my desk is covered with huge piles of paper in various states of triage. The worst piles are the ones that have no time limit. Gah. Paper sucks. Anyway, I thought I’d take a break from 1099s & drop in for a quickie.

So, less than a week after I came to my senses & returned to the Drinker’s Diet, I have lost the 10lbs I gained on the Potato Diet. I’m sure it’s all water weight, but say it is, then why would you eat carbs if they made you take on water weight? Huh? I once again look fabulous!

Was talking to a friend about preparing for retirement & she mentioned that I could probably drag my ass into the office for another 20 years until I’m a proper retirement age. She seemed startled when I asked, “Who wants to?” Why would I want to work until then? I mean, I could totally see having an easy part-time job at a small company, maybe.

Of course this chick just dropped $300K on a monster house & God knows what $$ on a brand new Mercedes, so even though she is only a decade behind me, she is nowhere near any sort of work slowdown. She’s generally pretty savvy, though; she is the one who advised me to negotiate up when my job imploded.

[Edit: Also, I can just barely navigate WordPress & I just saw I had comments. Eeek! Now I’m going to attempt to retrieve them. Wish me Luck! [2nd Edit: Hahaha, they are all Spam. Hilarious!]]

The Drinker’s Diet

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Ever since I discovered the hangover curative properties of butter and subsequently eliminated almost all grains, starches & sugars from my diet, whenever anyone pointed out the oddity of my eating a bunless burger I simply stated that I was saving all my carbs for beer. Little did I realize that I was doing the absolute correct thing (subject to change because everything changes).

After completely screwing up my entire system trying a potato diet for 3 days, I continued to experiment with resistant starch in an attempt to colonize my colon with beneficial bacteria. I look terrible: my body is kind of puffy, I haven’t lost the 10lbs I gained on the potato diet, I feel like crap, etc. SCREW RESISTANT STARCHES! No more. I’m going back to eating meat, fat & veggies. I’m once again saving all my carbs for beer.

After announcing this on Twitter, I joked about a Drinker’s Diet, but then I remembered there was one back in the olden days: The Drinking Man’s Diet.

The Drinking Man’s Diet is almost exactly like mine:

“Did you ever hear of a diet which was fun to follow? A diet which would let you have two martinis before lunch, and a thick steak generously spread with Sauce Béarnaise, so that you could make your sale in a relaxed atmosphere and go back to the office without worrying about having gained so much as an ounce? A diet which allows you to take out your favorite girl for a dinner of squab and broccoli with hollandaise sauce and Chateau Lafitte, to be followed by an evening of rapture and champagne?”

Except that I generally don’t drink lunch while working, but I could totally go for the hollandaise and rapture part! There’s even a sample menu! Sounds Fab! Then of course when doing a search for it, LiveStrong pops up with the most ridiculously unenlightening article about how drinking is BAAAAAAAAAADDDDDD!!!!! Every LiveStrong article is some inane bullshit that doesn’t inform; it just takes up bandwidth & time.

Then I found this delightful site: Drink your Carbs. Awesome! I have a few very very minor quibbles, but for the most part I cosign:

If you are ready to get started, but don’t want to spend hours studying the intricacies of Basic Drink Your Carbs, Austerity Mode and Nightmare Mode, we recommend that you begin by adopting our three simple rules. These rules are not as effective as the full Drink Your Carbs diet, but they will get you 90-percent of the way there:

  1. Avoid all deep-fried foods;
  2. Avoid all added sugar and other sweeteners;
  3. Eat nothing white (This refers to simple starch-based, white foods. Eat all the egg     whites and cauliflower you want).

They basically advocate unlimited booze & meat, which is super awesome, and they do include butter & rendered fats, but they also include industrial seed oils like canola. They do differentiate between some fats & have a list of limited fats, which are of the industrial variety.  Also, they go for low-fat dairy & all the nutrition in dairy is fat soluble, so I’ll continue on with high fat dairy. They keep talking about soy products & I think I’ll pass. Fruit, too; fruit is a treat not a staple food. Otherwise, I’m there. I’m all about it.

There are other things you find when you search for Drinker’s Diet; NexxtLevelUp has a good article on Drinking While Staying Lean, there is this site, Get Drunk Not Fat, which has calorie vs. alcohol by volume. There is a funny but critical review of The Beer Drinker’s Diet, and as always an unhelpful LiveStrong article about how alcohol is BAAAAAAAAAADDDDDD!!!!!

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My Drinking Diet consists of this:

  • Save all your carbs for beer.
  • Lubricate your hangovers with saturated animal fats (organic & grass-fed if possible – whatever).
  • Eat your meat (organic & grass-fed if possible – whatever).
  • Veggies are for flavor. Don’t worry about eating a ton of them, but they can be delicious.

I also try to eat as many bone-in meats like rotisserie or roasted chicken, ribs, etc. & then I boil up those bones for broth. It is also a good idea to eat as many organ meats as possible for the added nutrients.

I’ll let you know how this works out!

My First Red Pill: Butter

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There I was, minding my own business, bored at work & surfing the edges of the interwebs circa 2009, & I saw something about how cracking fresh black pepper on my food would increase the nutrient absorption by 2000%. I searched more on this & found Whole Health Source & started reading. I can’t find the original post I read (I heard that he culled his posts awhile back), but I started looking around on Stephan’s site.

Somewhere I stumbled onto a post about fats, which blew my friggin mind. I mean, I already knew about good fats & bad fats; in order of good to evil they are: olive oil, vegetable oil, & the very worst ever: Saturated Animal Fats. I can’t find anything that I remember reading on that site back a few years, but the gist of what I read was that saturated fats were pretty stable, but polyunsaturated fats (veg oils) when you looked at the molecule there were all these places where oxygen molecules (disclaimer: not a scientist!) could attach, thereby oxidizing the fat, rendering it rancid. I’m not even going into the chemical process used to extract veg oils.

I, like everyone else in the free world, was on a major Extra Virgin Olive Oil kick, so when in the comments of a post (that I cannot find, damn it) someone asked Stephan which was better for you, butter or olive oil, Stephan said Butter. Butter. I had like a million bottles of olive oil in the pantry.

My first red pill was the day I started melting a thick pat of butter on everything I ate. Much to my surprise, I did not gain weight; what did happen is that I noticed that I no longer had hangovers. Seriously. I have had maybe 20 hangovers total since 2010 & I like to hang out at bars a lot. Sometimes on a Friday I may visit 4 different bars.

The reason it was such a red pill is that saturated fats are the most vilified fat in the US, yet by eating a bunch of it I actually found a major benefit. What else was Conventional Wisdom wrong about? Well, I’m about to take you on a very slow hop down the rabbit hole because CW is wrong about pretty much everything.

Tl;dr:  Everything you have ever been told is a complete & total lie.

Bits & Ends

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We are looking at 2 houses tomorrow, which I used to get excited about & I would get all emotionally involved & then my hopes & dreams would get dashed upon the rocks. Not any more; I’m as hard as a diamond, now. I mean, I really want to move, but I know it is a pipe dream. Anyway, I’m torturing another realtor! Fun!

I’m still playing with resistant starch, but not really very hard. Potatoes wrecked my system for about a month & a half & rice tends to give me heartburn. Well, actually it didn’t before, but then the other night I misguidedly ate a street-vendor hotdog that gave me MASSIVE heartburn & now heartburn seems to happen easily. It’s enough that I’m seriously considering going back to eating bits of meat floating in broth & butter. (Damn, that sounds good!)

My job is totally hectic right now – the first month of the year is my busy time, so I’m not sure how much time I’m going to be spending here in the near future. Of course, I only work 4 days a week now, but that actually adds stress, somehow. I’m meeting friends from high school (lol, we are crazy old, too) for a couple of beers Thursday, which should be fun, but actually added stress because last night my car exploded. Well, some sort of shaft thingie exploded. Hell, I don’t know.

A friend at work is fixing it for me & it is going to cost $60 for the part & he is going to charge $20, which means I’m going to have to force another $40 on him so that I don’t feel like I’m taking advantage because I totally am. Taking advantage. Use & abuse.

I’m still taking Zinc to ward off uncontrolled vaginal bleeding & I’m kinda worried about ODing on it because I’m taking way over the recommended amount (150 to 225MG daily), but when I slack off I start bleeding again. I would contact my OB/GYN but he is super surgery-happy & I’m super keep-all-my-parts-happy.

Bitch & Moan & Grumble & Groan (Part 4)

manatee

Across the street from our house is a Mexican family we never see, an empty house, a habitat full of Huge Manatees, a meth house, and another Mexican family that we never see. The empty house is occasionally occupied with the most annoying people that glare at us when we see them. There are a revolving door of disgruntled assholes with fucked up friends that try their damndest to destroy our property.

The Huge Manatees are truly huge ambling beasties. There was originally about 5 of them in the two bedroom house that they “built themselves”. They obviously used all their capabilities “building their own house” because they have been unable to do anything since. Seriously, they can barely figure out how to open the car door, squeeze themselves in, & drive down the road. Working is out of the question. The government supplies them with fresh cars every couple of months and an obviously never-ending supply of food. Volunteers come mow their yard during the summer because they are incapable.

For Thanksgiving they had another family come for an extended visit and then a second family visited for Christmas. We are waiting for those two families to leave, but alas. There are currently about 12 enormous manatees living in a 1000 sqft house. Their toilet must be super-heavy-doody. Their floor is hopefully a thick concrete slab heavily reinforced because it has about 4800lbs waddling around on it.

The meth house is occupied by an endless stream of semi-homeless. Don’t try to report their meth activities to the police because the police will inform you that it is a “known meth house” and therefore just fine. The cops are busy with unknown meth houses, so we will just have to wait. Every so often one of the semi-homeless will stroll over to see what they can steal, but then they see the security cameras and amble on back. There aren’t utilities at the meth house, so I imagine the shit is literally piling up.

The saga continues…

Bitch & Moan & Grumble & Groan (Part 3)

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I have been looking for a new (to me) house for the past 4 or 5 years, but have had no luck finding one that wasn’t either formidably expensive or falling down, and now there is no way I would ever be able to get a loan because realistically I no longer have a job in any sense that a bank would recognize. Having an 800+ credit score means nothing if you are not getting a paycheck from a bona fide employer.

I have a house right now, but it is a wreck. The yard is a wreck. My only tree is a wreck. I have no driveway except a dirt slope leading to the house. There is no fence so stray dogs wander around and shit all over my yard. There is no grass in the yard anymore from driving on it. There is some small animal living in my crawl space. My life is literally falling apart. I am trying really hard to give a damn, but am unable to muster concern.

I hate my neighbors. On one side is a chick that was fine until she decided to start feeding cats on her front porch. All cats everywhere. Tons of cats – millions of cats. Cats pissing all over our front & back porches. Fucking cats. My beleaguered husband has started taking pot shots at them with a BB gun. At least he is getting a little entertainment from the cat onslaught.

On the other side are Tweedle Dum & Tweedle Dee. They are a couple that is not much older in years than I am but waaaayyyyy older in appearance. They are indistinguishable from each other as they amble aimlessly around their back yard. They are both about 5 feet tall, as wide as they are tall, with short white hair. One of them, the male, Dum, had a major stroke a couple of years ago & now only grunts and throws little ineffectual temper tantrums. We are hoping and praying for their untimely deaths.

We hate them because they are such assholes. They have about 8 or 9 dogs & one of the dogs, a collie, barks at EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. It has a totally piercing bark that you cannot drown out. Usually it barks this howling mournful loud bark at very regular intervals throughout the entire day. Husband has started shooting it in the ass with his Daisy, also.

The saga continues…