Introverted Girls (part 3 – care & feeding)


So say you found the elusive introvert girl & have even had a word or two with her & you want to continue down the path of never-ending love. It’s difficult because she is skittish & tends to withdraw into her shell, but I might be able to give you a few tips for dealing with her.

It’s hard to write these posts because I’m essentially saying, “This is how much of a freak I am & I can’t deal with you, so this is how you have to deal with me, or leave me the hell alone.” But, there seem to be a lot of people doing searches for this info, so I’m gonna put it out there. Please keep in mind that all I know about introverted girls is what I know about myself & I’m kind of a worst case scenario as I am pretty highly introverted, INTJ, etc.

Text; don’t call. If you want to make me audibly yelp & drop my phone – call me. Texting is much better & allows me time to dissect my response properly. If you call & startle me I’m going to blurt out all sorts of vaguely inappropriate things & make a complete ass of myself. If you text, I will probably do the same, but a little more nuanced.

Have hobbies. On any given day I have a number of terribly nerdy “experiments” in process or I’m studying something that is taking all of my attention. Like tonight I’m starting a new batch of rice beer (with special glutinous rice!) and broiling & then simmering chicken feet for bone broth. I might get a wild hair in a month or two & paint a few paintings for the open-call art show during the holidays. I can’t have you breathing down my neck the whole time. My husband goes outside & builds things & does a lot of masonry (bonus points for shirt off, sweaty, muscles rippling, hubba hubba).

Be interesting. Whereas your introvert will be self entertaining, she probably won’t find you interesting unless you are. She doesn’t want to hear about your hair gel or whatever it is that boring people talk about, but she might be fascinated by the steps you took to rebuild that carburetor. My husband was into flying & skydiving & rock climbing & all manner of activities that provided lots of tingles.

Don’t be negative. If I can hardly handle being around people, I certainly can’t handle someone bitching constantly. I either go far, far away or it gets to the point where I want to (& sometimes do) scream, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” Being overly upbeat & perky is kind of annoying too, but not nearly as bad. If you are having a bad day, it isn’t going to help you to vocalize it for an hour, but it will definitely bring her down.

Don’t touch her without some sort of warning. I have a really bad reaction to being touched without warning by strangers. I mean, once she knows you, she will be fine, but if it is the first part of the first date you might want to get her to touch you first by teasing & getting her to hit your arm or something. At least move slowly toward her when you go to touch so she has a few seconds to get used to the idea.

Don’t move too fast. She’s probably not going to sleep with you on the first date if she is very introverted. Hell, it took my husband & me a month to kiss after we realized that we were essentially dating. It’s the curse of the double INTJ couple, lol. If she does go home with you right after you meet, she will likely either be drunk or she will be fairly uncomfortable with the whole sex process, not to mention the whole waking up sober with a stranger process.

Don’t yell unless she does something really bad. If someone I care about yells at me I shut down completely. Like I need to go to sleep. If I’m not in a position to go to sleep, I go mute. I literally cannot talk – my brain won’t come up with anything to say. I might also feel like I have to throw up. Save this for relationship-breaking bad behavior because yelling at her may be a relationship breaker. If my husband yells at me for some reason, he has to coax me back into talking to him. It’s that bad. If it is a stranger or someone I don’t care about then I have no problem at all dealing a harsh slap-down.

Be decisive. Make the plans, drive the car, order the food, go to the bar to get the beer. She will be grateful. Whereas an extrovert will have all sorts of places to go & loves going to new places, the introvert might, but doesn’t really want to be the one doing the navigating & dealing with the servers. I can hardly deal with a new bartender at a place I’ve been going to for years; the ones that know me already have my order ready by the time we get to the bar.

If this all sounds like a pain in the ass, it is. Here I am telling you that you have to do EVERYTHING, and it sucks because if you want an introverted girl, you are likely an introvert yourself, so you really don’t want to do the same things that she doesn’t want to do, so it’s a conundrum. Here’s the deal though, you are the man & you just have to be the man. That’s really all there is to it.

If all goes well, she will reward you with pleasant, interesting, usually smart companionship & she won’t talk your ear off or be clingy. She will be equally fine with going places with you & staying home & snuggling. She will likely be very loyal because she has lived her whole life on the fringe & will probably appreciate finally belonging to another person.

Disclaimer: Each person is different & the above doesn’t necessarily reflect every introvert girl. I am taking from my own experiences & I’m a bit of an extreme example. Introverts have varying degrees of introversion and/or social anxiety. Also, you should never take dating advice from a female, so use your own best judgment, lol.


24 thoughts on “Introverted Girls (part 3 – care & feeding)

  1. Pingback: Follow the Links | On the Rock

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  3. Sis

    I’m an introvert married to an extrovert. He is definitely the entertainer and I’m the quiet one. good post! I’m interested in how your rice beer turns out, although I don’t like beer at all. I even tried a red beer and didn’t like it. I’ve had saki, does rice beer taste like saki? I’m more of a wine person, that would be fun to make, my grandma used to make blackberry wine. i should learn that, but it probably doesn’t have all the fermentation benefits of beer.

  4. TempestTcup Post author

    I’m just now making a new batch with glutenous rice (what I was supposed to use to begin with). The first time I used I think Jasmine rice & it was really good, the second time wasn’t as good but popped like champagne when opened & was super fizzy. Hopefully this new batch will be fizzy like the second & sweeter like the first. The second batch separated into clear on top & thick on the bottom, so you can decant the clear if you want.

    Oooo, blackberry wine sounds great – I should look up a recipe!

  5. Matthew King

    I have found that indulging a girl’s un-sociability is not the proper “care and feeding” for introverts. So I essentially ignore all of those instructions and take her by the hand into my world, which is exhilarating, not scary, as I am by her side to protect her from (introduce her to) that environment’s unfamiliarities and excesses. It is intimidating at first, of course, but what girl doesn’t want a taste of social confidence? What girl doesn’t want to overcome the fears that interiorize her personality?

    None of us — men or women — are meant to be inward-looking. We are made for communion, with God through others. Look, everybody has advantages and disadvantages, but encouraging a girl to be okay with her social anxiety, neurotic shyness, and agoraphobia is encouraging her to be self-centered.


  6. TempestTcup Post author

    True, but if she is unfamiliar with you it can be very intimidating to her at first if she is very introverted, and most guys that are looking for an introverted girl are also introverted & may not be able to pull that off.

    My husband & I are both INTJ (& have been together forever), so we have the same tendencies although he is nowhere nearly as introverted as I am (thank goodness!).

    But yes, if he has the confidence to “take her by the hand into my world” that sounds awesome! Of course, if he has that confidence he won’t be listening to me!

    But seriously, I’m a female, so I am unqualified to give dating advice, because females urge caution whereas men should risk.

    And I’m not saying that the girls should be encouraged, but that they might be this way. A kind of looking inside my own head to show kind of a worst case scenario. Just being with another person helps with social anxiety & shyness.

    Welcome to my site – I’ve read & enjoyed your stuff on other sites!

  7. Matthew King

    I think my major problem with the “introvert” label is that it legitimates social anxiety as “they might [just] be this way.” Anxiety is not a delightful harmless quirk but rather an obstacle to be overcome. Of course, some will need less guidance than others since some are more naturally outgoing. But we can start by calling a bad social habit what it is.

    I really don’t think introverts want to be the way they are, given the choice. Not that extroverts don’t enjoy solitude and silence, but that is not a hard balance to achieve because solitude is more readily teachable than sociability. What is the number one fear — greater than death — not just of introverts but of everyone in general? Public speaking.

    When I see life-altering fears, I say go straight at them. Attack them until they are neutralized. This offense-minded way of life is not because I am a natural extrovert (I am not, nor is anyone, really) but because I do not to want to be controlled by phobias.

    Now, to prove the righteousness of my thinking I would normally give you the full court press, hit on you, work on you until you came out of your shell. But you are married. So let me just say, as a brother, that life is too short to spend it locked in the Upper Room of your own anxieties.

    Or, put another way, be bold in the name of Christ, receive the Holy Spirit, and go forth to all nations in this week of Pentecost converting souls to the Gospel of life:

    And suddenly a sound came from heaven like the rush of a mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting.

    And there appeared to them tongues as of fire, distributed and resting on each one of them.

    And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance. …

    Simon Peter was a fisherman. Paul of Tarsus was a tongue-tied stutterer. And they were filled with the Holy Spirit, and they converted the world through speech and deed. Moses too was the “reluctant leader.” If you are seeking confidence, seek the Lord, and go everywhere boldly by the power of the Spirit.

    (Hm. I’m not even sure you’re religious. No matter, it applies to everyone in every age.)


  8. Martel

    You may have addressed this in your other posts on introverts which I’ve yet to locate, but how do I FIND an introverted female?


  9. TempestTcup Post author

    Hahaha, good question! I would first look around what you naturally do on a daily basis & find a quiet big-eyed girl. It’s easier & faster if you are already familiar with her. She may work somewhere you frequent, she may hang out where you hang, or she could even be someone you have known forever. She is easily overlooked because she doesn’t draw attention to herself.

    If you walk outside at lunch & see a girl reading, she is probably an introvert. Just keep looking in the out of the way corners & if you find one, she will probably return to that same spot regularly because it is somewhere she feels comfortable.

    Good Luck! And welcome to my site!

  10. nightskyradio

    Martel – “You may have addressed this in your other posts on introverts which I’ve yet to locate, but how do I FIND an introverted female?”

    Look in places where introverts hang out – libraries, sci fi and anime clubs, bookstores, museums. Intelligent introverts tend toward geeky stuff. You can do this on the internet as well – find a local board about sci fi or whatever and see if any shy-ish girls post there.

    Failing that, find a guy you know who has a shy girl sister or cousin.

    Failing that, draw a circle on the floor, place a copy of a Neil Gaiman book inside it (hardcover is preferred, but paperback will work if you’re on a budget), light some black candles, and sacrifice a flaming left-handed guitar to the ghost of Kurt Cobain.*

    *King of the Introverts-thrust-into-the-position-of-Generational-Spokesman. Then again, look what good it did for him.

  11. Tilda

    Matthew King – you are so, so wrong. I am an introvert. I don’t have social anxiety. I have won several awards for public speaking. I just find that social activities, while often fun, are draining and eat up all my energy so that I need to have quiet alone time to recharge my batteries or else I get incredibly bad-tempered. A guy who drags me out for a good time and wants to pull me out of my shell in order to “cure” me of my deeply flawed personality? That’s a guy who would never get a second date with me. Or a first date, for that matter.

  12. Audrey Wallace

    Well said! Hits home! I’m just figuring this all out and this site is helping me.

  13. Vjseanbush

    I really never realized how much of an introvert I was until I started reading posts and blogs about it. This article describes my relationship of now almost 2 years pretty much to the letter. In my case we’d known each other for years through high school but she had been with someone else (who was totally wrong for her) it took lots of time and hanging out and that guy being an ass to make us happen. Now that we are actually together it’s amazing and I couldn’t ask for anything else or want anything more in a person. We’re both introverts and the things you’ve described in this blog are so true of our own relationship and its nice to know we aren’t the only ones out there like this. It’s been really eye opening for me realizing that my own social anxiety is a normal thing and that when I shut down its because I have to. And I just thought I wasn’t a “people person”. Thanks for taking the time to write this. I look forward to more.

  14. JD

    Matt, you are showing a very typical, yet rather arrogant attitude that you must know better than the poor girl you are dating. Please learn the difference between social anxiety and introversion. They are not the same thing at all. If you get charged up by being around other people, that’s great. But introverts do not. They may have plenty of social skills and not be anxious at all (although many are). They just find being around other people to be tiring. Just because you like being a certain way does not mean everyone does and it is pretty bloody arrogant for you to think they should. You in fact are the one acting self-centered by thinking everyone is just like you (or at least should be), which I agree, should not be encouraged. There are some women that would benefit from your approach and want someone to help them get out of their shell. But there are a whole bunch of others that you would be torturing to no end. some of those women would find your attitude condescending and repulsive and would toss you to the curb very quickly. Others that went along with it would be hurt by your actions. You would not be helping them at all.

  15. TempestTcup Post author

    LOLOLOLZ! But also, very good ideas on where to find introverted girls.

    Remember, if INTJ girls are .8% of the population (I don’t know the ratio for the others) and if you live in a small city of say 300K then there’s going to be around 2400 of them (plus all the other ones), so they are out there, you just have to keep your eyes open.

  16. TempestTcup Post author

    Right, I’m not shy, but I do avoid dealing with a lot of people. I fought introversion for years & years before I ever knew I was introverted, but my basic personality never changed & I don’t really think it can. I’m fine with that now.

  17. TempestTcup Post author

    I just learned about a year ago & I’m old, lol!

    Once I found out I was an introvert I realized that I really didn’t have to push myself to do the social activities that wore me out. Or I could go, see everyone & duck out early. I just found a lot of freedom once I understood.

  18. TempestTcup Post author

    Thank you & I’m glad you found her. It is great to have someone to belong to when, in my case, I felt like I was very isolated up until I started dating my husband. Now we are isolated together 🙂

  19. missmuffina

    Matt… okay whoa…

    First of all, being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean you have social anxiety or shyness (although sometimes that does come along with it). It’s not a mental or social disorder. This has to do with brain chemistry. Introverts’ brains are naturally more sensitive to dopamine. This means that they are more sensitive to colors, noises, touch, pretty much everything. This also means that their brains need less outside stimulation. This is why an introvert can spend hours reading a book and be completely content whereas a lot of extroverts would get easily bored. Being an introvert means that someone gains energy from being alone as opposed to extraverts who gain energy from being around people. Both are good. But they are very different personality types. Here are some of the good qualities of being an introvert:

    1) Introverts are creative
    2) Introverts can concentrate for long periods of time.
    3) They are very detail oriented and see things others often miss.
    4) Most of the “gifted” population describe themselves as introverts.
    5) Introverts are very independent.
    6) They are very loyal and create long lasting friendships with a few people
    7) They are philosophical and out-of-the-box thinkers
    8) They are great problem-solvers.
    9) Introverts tend to be intelligent.
    10) And, contrary to popular belief, introverts make great leaders. Abraham Lincoln, Rosa Parks, and George Washington were some of the world’s greatest introverted leaders. And not all introverts are afraid of public speaking.

    It may be exhilarating for you to take her into your world, and I think it’s a nice gesture to try to have her experience something new. But I wouldn’t enjoy it. I am very, very introverted and I have dated several extroverted guys. I was never comfortable with them essentially pushing me into the unknown. And trust me, I think I speak for girls of all personality types when I say the most important thing for a guy to do on a date is make the girl feel comfortable. I know that this is not what you are intending, but to me, when a guy does tries to push me into doing his thing, it sends two messages. 1) he doesn’t care if I’m having fun, as long as he is having fun and 2) he is trying to change me. Both are not attractive. Trust me, for introverts, they are already getting enough exhilaration just by being around someone they like. Dating, for us, is like an extreme sport 😉

    And to your point that if I had a choice, I would choose to be an extrovert, that is entirely untrue. It may have been true back in high school, when the only people who valued were the ones who spoke a lot, but never said anything of value. But now, just a few years later, I’m learning more about this personality trait and it’s made me happier and, ironically, it’s made it easier for me to be around people. When you label someone as “shy”, there is something inside them that makes them want to retreat further because there is a stigma attached to it. It’s amazing how freeing and easier life gets when you realize there is nothing wrong with you. I’m an artist. I draw portraits for a living and I don’t think I would be able to do that if I wasn’t so comfortable with just day-dreaming and being by myself.

    I know this is getting really long, but I also want to address your point that “people were not meant to be inward-looking”. It sounds like you are a person of faith, and I am too. Consider this: Mary pondered what the shepherds told her before she gave birth to Jesus (Luke 2:19) and Jesus himself left everyone and went into the desert alone to fast for 40 days. In my faith, the only way to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit is to be quiet and look inward. I feel as though it is impossible to truly help those around us unless we are adequately looking within ourselves and pondering the scriptures.

    Sorry for that freakishly long message. I hope this helps you to see things from the other side.


  20. TempestTcup Post author

    This whole comment was great. Thanks!

    I also found a lot of freedom when I finally figured it all out. Then I realized that a lot of my favorite people are also introverts.

  21. Rachel Ballard

    Amen to this. Honestly, I was seething at Matt’s uninformed comments. Social anxiety and introversion are very, very different. I am a huge introvert and actually am very good at and enjoy public speaking. I would hate for a guy I was dating to try to change me by taking me out in the way you described. I, too, try my best to face my fears head-on. Socializing is not a fear of mine; I can do it and I’m plenty good at it, I just don’t like it the way extroverted people do. I would rather sit in a small group and have a deep conversation than be the life of the party, flitting around to tons of groups of people. I have NO desire to be extroverted because I know who I am, how I am, and why I am the way I am. I believe God made me that way on purpose and that He would not want me to change because that is what society says is the right way to behave.
    I’m sure you meant well with your comments, but please, do some research on what introversion really means. Many of the things you said were not only hurtful, but just plain untrue. And please, don’t throw religion or scripture at this issue. It’s not even relevant and does nothing but increase shame and exclusion in the church, both of which I believe God does not want.

  22. Matthew King

    You are mistaking the word “introvert” for self-aware, cerebral, disciplined, calibrated, which is why so many people self-identify with it. You are rationalizing anxiety into a virtue, which is simply dangerous. “Introvert” means you are inner-directed, which would be okay if you weren’t made to be the “social animal” (Spinoza/Aristotle). It is another term for “self-centered.”

    To be fully human is to achieve the golden mean between introversion and extroversion. Your refuge on one extreme of the spectrum, evident in your choice of labels, is unhealthy.

    Women are more naturally introverted/self-centered because they can be — and still be successful. Men, as the active agent, cannot be. We have to learn how to approach and get rejected and still fight another day. We have to learn initiative. Women are the passive agent, they are acted upon. They need not move.

    But motionlessness creates bed-sores and rot. Movement is the definition of life. Gravity keeps us down (literally), our tendencies are toward inertia and resistance. A healthy interior life is important but only insofar as it assists the exterior life. At the same time, an exterior life by itself is an empty shell, all motion and no thought. And yet this outside energy is vital for powering a well-regulated inner-life.

    Look, if you were less self-oriented you wouldn’t see my caution as a personal attack against you. I don’t know what your lives are like. I do know, however, that calling oneself an introvert carries the danger of never addressing the gravity that makes us all earthbound. We are made to soar. To get outside of ourselves and to love our neighbors. To exercise our “unexhausted, procreating life-will” (Nietzsche).


  23. Matthew King

    But I wouldn’t enjoy it. I am very, very introverted and I have dated several extroverted guys.

    You haven’t dated me.

    You define introversion as discipline and extroversion as “push[y]” and discomfiting. You define everything right and good as introverted and all things wild and crazy as extroverted. When all we’re talking about is an orientation, a tendency.

    Your inward tendencies are more dangerous than the outward ones: the devil destroys us by first separating us from the shepherd, by getting us alone.

    Did you think my taking you by the hand, promising exhilaration above fear, meant pushing you onto the scariest rollercoaster in the park the minute we walked in the gate? No. It is a gradual building up to that moment, to the glories of seeing yourself in other people and they in you. I wouldn’t toss you the hot potato and make you address the group. I would help incorporate your comments into the general conversation until you gained the moxie to do it yourself.

    Whether you prefer to be alone or among crowds is immaterial. Preferences and orientations and tendencies are sometimes bad ones. We all want to get away from being coerced into performing. That doesn’t make us introverted, that makes us human. But the other half of being human is rising to the challenge of performance — to make our fellow man and to make ourselves better, more holy people. Bringing the good news to strangers is our primary task.

    Our hope for you is unshaken; for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

    For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of the affliction we experienced in Asia; for we were so utterly, unbearably crushed that we despaired of life itself.

    Why, we felt that we had received the sentence of death; but that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead….

    — 2 Cor 1:7-9

    In other words, find ways to get over your natural tendencies rather than rationalizing them into virtues. We have work to do — together.


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