As the Hamster Spins

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We were doing our usual Thursday thing, getting burgers (sans bun for me) & a beer at the bar & there was this loud chick next to my husband. She was really loud & plenty sassy, like those 40s Dames with their fast talking ways. She was talking to the bartender about OK Cupid. She had a date the other night with a guy from there & was very disappointed.

“He was only three apples tall & weighed about a buck forty!” She screeched.

“So, he was short & thin?” asked the bartender.

“I even checked the doorknob on his profile picture & it was at his hip, so it made him look tall.”

“Ah, the old fake doorknob trick.”    (did I mention that the bartender had a dry sense of humor?)

“My profile plainly states that 5’6” is my absolute minimum & he was only about 5’3” or 5’4”.”

“That’s terrible, how tall are you?”

“5’2”.”

“So he is still taller than you.”

“But he was so skinny! I need muscles!”

Now, let’s take a moment to get a good gander at the scene. This chick is in her early thirties & is as big around as she is tall. She is loud & brassy & is wearing scrubs. The bartender asked her if she was a nurse & she replied that she just wore scrubs because they were comfortable. See: elastic waistband. Scrubs are the professional version of sweatpants, evidently.

The bartender, on the other hand, is a good looking guy; he’s almost 6’ tall, athletic, graying at the temples, about 45. He is very charming & has this wicked, subtle sense of humor. We’ve known him forever.

“Oh, you need a guy who works out” the bartender says, understandingly.

“Well, he just wasn’t what I was looking for. I’d date you, though; are you on OK Cupid?”

“No, no, I have a girlfriend.”

“Really, how old is she?”

“25.”

“Oh.”

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18 thoughts on “As the Hamster Spins

  1. Just Saying

    “Really, how old is she?” “25” “Oh”

    Reality is a bitch for all of those fat/thick 40-something females out there.

    It’s interesting, I have dated women from 4’6″ to 6’6″ and found the taller ones have faced reality and decided long ago, they could keep trying for a basketball player (she was on the women’s team) or drop their “laundry list” and get to know guys. The ones that did were always pleasant to be around – their team-mates which didn’t were always bitter and alone. Go figure…

    So this was a short-fat, loud-mouthed, bitchy woman and someone deigned to go out with her? She should have jumped his bones if he was in the least bit interested as most guys wouldn’t give her a second glance.

    But I see it all the time. And that “Oh” is priceless – I’ve been at bars waiting for my girl to come back from the bathroom and had women try to chat me up. I’m pleasant – you never know when she’s looking for a “nice guy” for their daughter – but if they are looking for themselves, when my girl (whichever one I’m with) shows and is much younger and thinner – you can see the older women wither in the light of reality. Their day is done… When they were 10+ years younger and 20+ lbs thinner they could command attention – now, they have to take what they can get. But it will always take them a while to face up to that reality. I tell women that I work with who are always bitching because I date women (“young enough to be your daughter”) that I do so because I can. But I tell them, who are invariably younger than I am, that they need to look at guys who are 20+ years older because guys date “younger chicks” – and 10 years younger, generally isn’t “young-enough” when they are pushing 40… So they need to look at guys in their 60’s.

    Needless to say, they do not like that kind of response. Which is they they go with the whole “shaming” thing about the age of the women I date. But to me, it is anything but “shaming” – it’s a badge of honor that at 50+ I can still hookup with a sweet little teen. Yumm… Do I care if she’s in my bed because of “Daddy issues?” Nope – as long as she’s attractive and her legs are spread, she’s good to go in my book. 🙂 But then, I’m a “horn-dog” as women are always telling me. But it never keeps them from coming home with me if I’m interested.

    I love Feminism – I credit it with the ready availability of young women all looking for attention from older men. Of course, they are fun – but always keep your eye on the end-goal, to bang her and move on to the next one. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

  2. Peregrine John

    Scrumptious. Oh, geez. It’s good to start Friday with a good laugh, though I might have to explain my sudden explosion to my coworkers…

  3. TempestTcup Post author

    It was so hard to keep from laughing at the time. I couldn’t see her face when he said “25”, but I imagine the look on it was priceless.

  4. Pingback: As the Hamster Spins | Viva La Manosphere!

  5. M3

    This bartender sounds like a great and hilarious chap. Quick on his feet with the subtle and nonchalant back hands. Epic win.

    Funny her demands were so high.. Pray tell what she offered to earn those demands. The 25 was priceless. If he could have snuck in a comment about his gf’s obvious thinness compared to captain moomoo scrubzilla there, hamster would have gone into cardiac arrest and she’d be doing some serous introspection right about now.

    PS. Live your blog byline..a fluffy little blog about love, food, booze & gross stuff like blood & bacteria.

    I came for the food, stayed for the bacteria.

  6. earl

    I don’t even know this guy and he sounds like he would be a hoot to hang out with.

    Women are right, guys lie all the time…always pulling out the fake doorknob trick.

  7. TempestTcup Post author

    @stingray
    I about died when she said she would date the bartender; I thought, yeah you and every other girl in the world! I actually got a pair of cute jeans! AE Outfitters straight jeans.

    “captain moomoo scrubzilla”
    Hahahaha! Seriously, scrubs are hideous, why would anyone CHOOSE to wear them? And she really filled them out. Yikes!

    @Geisha
    The reason I started eavesdropping was that I was so surprised that she got a date at all. This poor guy saw her pictures, still asked her out & then you know it was the date from hell & he probably dropped some serious cash on it. You know she was snippy, snide & snarky.

    “guys lie all the time…always pulling out the fake doorknob trick.”
    I about lost it when he said that. He is pretty quiet, but when he does open his mouth, some incredibly funny stuff comes out in a very deadpan sort of way. He’s one of those “lift one eyebrow & nod knowingly” sort of guys.

  8. earl

    I like it when girls get dry sense of humor. That shows they get who I am. I’m sure Ms. Scrubs looked up fake doorknob trick on google to see if that’s a real thing.

    My grandfather is the master of this type of humor. Just says something deadpan then has a smirk on his face when he sees people’s wheels turning. I’d like to think it is one of his best personality traits that was passed down to me.

  9. dana

    i could FEEL the “oh” OUCH! glad you found jeans! ive been looking into ae outfitters too, ill try them next

  10. TempestTcup Post author

    They are a little higher waist than I wanted, but otherwise they look great. They got the Husband Seal Of Approval(TM) for the butt, lol!

  11. Dr. Faust

    I’d look her right in the face and say, “No thanks, I don’t date fat chicks.” And HOLD eye contact making the tension as high as possible.

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