Don’t Badmouth Your Man

Office girls sharing secret shocked expression

Over at the RedPillWoman subreddit there was a little dust-up on a post I submitted about a girl going all over Reddit talking about how her boyfriend doesn’t clean the house, is bullying her, won’t marry her so she can get more financial aid, and does she really have to be SuperWoman?

Basically she was making fun of us RPW saying that women should cater to their men. I made the submission and then was called out because the chick in question says she is bipolar. Evidently, saying that you are bipolar is a Get Out of Jail Free Card. It wasn’t her fault, and nothing else is her fault either because she says she has this disorder.

But that’s not what I’m here to discuss; I’m here to discuss badmouthing your man. Don’t do it. Men shouldn’t badmouth their women either, but it is particularly odious to do it to a man because the world is way too ready to believe bad things about men, and the world tends to let women off lightly.

Say you have a tiff with your man, and you call your sister to cry on her shoulder. You tell her all the horrible things that happened and let slip that he scared you. Now your sister thinks he is one step away from beating you, and she will never think any differently about him. Thirty years of unwavering devotion cannot pry this image from her mind.

Say you are mad at your man for something minor, and you call your mom to vent. You start off with how he didn’t take out the garbage yesterday, but then you get carried away and before you know it you are calling him lazy and shiftless. Your mom will forever think of your man as lazy and shiftless. He can work five jobs full-time, and he will still be lazy and shiftless in her eyes.

It is particularly wrong to badmouth him to single friends. The problem with single friends is that they are incapable of hanging onto a man, which is why they are single. Since the slightest infraction will cause them to drop a man, they will encourage you to dump your man. You can get someone better! Someone who will take better care of you than him! I love how single women are always so ready with relationship advice.

Not only does badmouthing your man make him look bad in other people’s eyes, but it makes you look bad, too. Why are you in a relationship with someone who treats you badly or someone you complain about? Why do you put up with that?

It’s not just that others will think badly of your man, but that you are also probably saying these things to his face, and that is completely disrespectful. Even thinking these things is disrespectful. If you have a complaint, you need to set aside some time for a serious discussion with him, and without emotion, whining, accusing, or nagging, tell him the problem.

If you are feeling put upon or like you are doing everything, maybe make a list of things that each of you do. On one post, a commenter asked about everyone’s division of labor in their relationship, and when I was responding, I realized that my husband does a lot more than I really gave him credit for.

I completely forgot that he pays all the bills and handles investments and our finances. That’s a lot of work. I only thought about the physical stuff that I actively see him doing, not the invisible stuff that gets done behind the scenes. You might realize that the division of labor is indeed unfair; you may realize that it is you who is doing too little.

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41 thoughts on “Don’t Badmouth Your Man

  1. Deep Strength

    Yep, you alluded to it but the best way to get a wife to stop bad mouthing her husband:

    “What does that say about you who married him?”

    There’s absolutely no comeback to it.

    Men don’t really respond well to negative reinforcement anyway, so if the wife/girlfriend/etc wants to get something done it’s best to do it with positive reinforcement.

  2. TempestTcup Post author

    I think a lot of women don’t even think about what they are doing and the ramifications of it when they talk bad about their husbands.

    I don’t think that men do this to any real extent, but women never forget a slight, even when it is a slight to someone else that they hear about.

  3. Ashley

    “but it is particularly odious to do it to a man because the world is way too ready to believe bad things about men, and the world tends to let women off lightly.”

    Where do you draw your evidence of this from?

    “The problem with single friends is that they are incapable of hanging onto a man, which is why they are single.”

    Women are single for many reasons, and many of them are attractive women with options. Not every woman is going to want a man in her life at all times.

  4. Ashley

    Additionally, I do agree with the idea that we should be careful of what problems we tell our friends and family about our relationship. You do have a point about it being hard to shake thoughts and ideas of someone once they cry on your shoulder. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to seek advice from a professional before our own circle of personal supporters about a girlfriend or boyfriend.

  5. TempestTcup Post author

    You haven’t noticed that you get treated more gently and lightly than men? Have you ever gotten away with a warning instead of a ticket? I have plenty. Everyone gives women, at least feminine women, the benefit of the doubt. There is always a white knight at the ready.

    There are temporarily single women and there are perpetually single women. Still, I wouldn’t take relationship advice from a single person or diet advice from a fat person.

  6. Ashley

    Been pulled over twice, gotten tickets both times. Never been let off with a warning, personally. I think there are situations when women have it easy and also situations when men have it easy, it really depends. Either way, I wouldn’t put more emphasis on warning women to not bad mouth their men than I would for men to not bad mouth their women. I would simply advise no one to bad mouth their partners, period.

    “There are temporarily single women and there are perpetually single women. Still, I wouldn’t take relationship advice from a single person or diet advice from a fat person.”

    Well I guess that is your choice but plenty of nonsingle people don’t have a clue what they are doing either. Just because someone is married or in a relationship doesn’t mean they are happy or in a successful one.

  7. earl

    “I only thought about the physical stuff that I actively see him doing, not the invisible stuff that gets done behind the scenes.”

    That is what it is like in the man club. We do stuff and you don’t know the passion and sacrifice behind it…because talking about it takes away precious time to do the stuff and you wouldn’t understand.

    But on the flip side…when it comes to women all they got is what they see, know, and experience.

  8. Jeremy

    One of the main reasons not to badmouth your man… when you do speak ill of your man you’re essentially beating him down in the one arena in which he is more lightly armed and armored than you.

  9. TempestTcup Post author

    @Ashley

    I’m just remarking generally on things I’ve seen over and over again for decades. Single women are single “by choice” when they are unable to get a man. Of course this is not every woman because of the exceptions to the rule (evidently now I have to qualify every statement). And there are lesbians and woman-identified transgenderists (sorry, almost forgot!).

    Perhaps you should be more pleasant when officers pull you over 🙂

    You seem very Team Woman. I personally know tons of happy, successful marriages. I would take their advice over the multitudes of singles out there that I know. Still, married people are more successful (on the average, not accounting for the special snowflake!) at relationships than the perpetually single or the long term serial monogamist with nary a relationship past 2 years.

    Just me and my personal decisions 🙂

  10. Belle of the Library

    I don’t subscribe to Red Pill ideology, but I find it pretty fascinating, because I DO believe we’ve gone too far in the other direction. I get realy tired of negativity in relationships, particularly when it’s all over my Facebook feed, so I agree with you on not badmouthing your guy. I disagree that you can’t have ONE person in your life to whom you can vent. If I’d vented more in my marriage, let my best friend see what was actually going on, maybe I’d have left a little sooner. As it is, we’ve vowed to be open with each other in the future to avoid repeats of our marriages. She tells me the wonderful things about Terry and, every now and then, the things that frustrate her. She keeps her tone relatively appropriate, and never name calls, but she does get the chance to share and work through things. She needs that. I just think balance and delivery are the most important parts of the story.

  11. TempestTcup Post author

    @earl

    Yes, I don’t really think about the stuff I don’t see. It wasn’t until I was listing it all out that I remembered. I would be willing to bet that a lot of wives don’t really understand how much their husbands take care of that they don’t notice.

    “when it comes to women all they got is what they see, know, and experience”

    I have to think that this was a feature and not a bug; just another difference in the sexes.

  12. TempestTcup Post author

    @Belle

    You and Gail have a very special relationship that you should treasure always. You are also very young and have had a very bad experience. I’m old and in a 30 year marriage, and have found that marriage, if you trust your partner, will basically be an “us against the world” situation.

    Your husband should be the most important person in your life (there are exceptions to the rule of course for bad husbands, but choose wisely, please!). If you speak badly about the most important person in your life to someone, that puts that person as more important than the man that you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Once you are married, everyone else should be in the periphery and if you are not willing to do that, you should not marry.

    I think it is fine to discuss your relationship and ask advice, but don’t put anyone between you and your future husband (I know there will be one, and you WILL choose wisely!) because there is a good chance they will become a wedge.

  13. Belle of the Library

    I think I misunderstood. I suppose you’re right and “working through things” is VERY different from degrading namecalling and “badmouthing”, as you said. I don’t condone that AT ALL and I agree that a marriage should come first. I was reading “be supportive” as “never seek counsel” and I don’t think that’s how you meant it.

  14. Belle of the Library

    We agree. I just read it incorrectly in the first place. I’m always DISGUSTED at the things women put on Facebook.

  15. TempestTcup Post author

    @Belle

    Ugh, I don’t really do facebook, but I get pretty upset when people throw their SOs under the bus. If they can’t be loyal to them, they can’t be loyal to anyone else.

  16. MargeryM

    @Tempest, Ashley is a pretty well known feminist apologist around these parts. Basically *anything* you say she will counter because “well, in my experience…” as if anecdotal evidence is a strong argument. She is with the exception to the rule and wants to think of herself as the rule or she’s not paying attention. I strongly suspect both.

    But here I am being silly and am going to bother answering her question! *sigh*

    “Where do you draw your evidence of this from?”

    Here is a scenario for you, Ashley- a man and a woman are having an argument in public. It is getting more and more heated when suddenly the woman stands up and screams “He’s assaulting me!” What happens next? Now pretend the roles are reversed, that the man stands up and screams the same pointing at the woman. What happens?

    We are told that men are violent, that women are victims of rape and domestic violence and all other manner of being “held down”. One doesn’t have to outright say men are the baddies it’s the logical conclusion. Suggestion goes a long way. So even though domestic violence affects men just as much (if not more in some cases) when we think DV we think man on woman violence. Meanwhile men who report DV are *themselves* accused of the crime more often than not. It is automatically assumed that it was the man abusing the woman. This is the same for rape, of course, but getting back to DV- when it is man on woman look out! Character assassination ensues. There is a public burning at the stake as evident by Chris Brown and other male celebrities treatment. You know what doesn’t get the same sort of backlash? Female on male. Don’t believe me? The Daily Beast in talking about Evan Peters abuse at the hands of Emma Roberts points this out:

    “But this is far from the first time a female celebrity or celebrity’s wife has been in the news for violence against a man.
    Kelly Bensimon, who played in the reality show The Real Housewives of New York City, was arrested for allegedly giving her boyfriend a black eye and a bloody gash. The girlfriend of Tampa Bay linebacker Geno Hayes was arrested for reportedly stabbing Hayes in the neck and head. The former wife of ’80s pop superstar Lionel Richie was arrested for investigation of spousal abuse, trespassing, and vandalism. Humphrey Bogart’s third wife, Mayo Methot, was frequently abusive to him, with Bogart receiving a stab wound in the back. In an interview with Redbook, Whitney Houston said that she was the aggressor in her marriage to Bobby Brown. “Contrary to belief, I do the hitting, he doesn’t.” Actress Tawny Kitaen agreed to plead to spousal abuse and battery charges after attacking husband St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chuck Finley. Actor and comedian Phil Hartman was shot and killed by his wife, as was Carolina Panther Fred Lane. Lane’s teammates reported that prior to his death, he had more injuries from his wife than those received on the playing field. Former NFL quarterback Steve McNair was fatally shot by a girlfriend.”

    When it is female on male you are allowed, if not encouraged, to ask what he did wrong? Do you know what happens when you ask that about women in an abusive relationship? Grab your torches and pitchforks!

    The article goes on to prove the point that men are bad and women are untouchable:

    “There is great similarity between female and male victims and their abusers. The biggest difference is that male victims find themselves in the same position women were 30 years ago. Their problem is viewed as of little consequence, or they are to blame, and their are few available resources for male victims. Three-quarters of the men who contact an abuse shelter or hotline report that the agency would provide services only to women, and nearly two-thirds were treated as the abuser rather than the victim.”

    This is an epidemic. One overlooked because women and out supposed plight reigns supreme.

    Of course this is all a problem of male inferiority. Meaning the feminist movement has created the idea that men are inferior and it permeates our society. As we all know believing a group of people to be inferior leads us to view their needs and rights as unimportant. I am not surprised that you just don’t see the issues over and over again, Ashley. You are a product of our current society, there is no doubt about that. But think on this- when was the last time you saw women mocked and declared unnecessary and little more than a nuisance in the mainstream media without a horrible backlash? Because it happens to men all of the time in our media, even casually. The Flipside of Feminism points out a few such instances:


    Author and journalist Natalie Angier begins an article in the New York Times by writing, “Women may not find this surprising, but one of the most persistent and frustrating problems in evolutionary biology is the male. Specifically . . . why doesn’t he just go away?”

    In a CNN interview with Maureen Dowd about her 2005 book, Are Men Necessary? Dowd says, “Now that women don’t need men to reproduce and refinance, the question is, will we keep you around? And the answer is, ‘You know, we need you in the way we need ice cream—you’ll be more ornamental.’”

    Several years ago Katie Couric interviewed a young brideon the Today show who had been jilted at the altar. Jokingly, Couric asked the young woman if she’d “considered castration as an option.”

    Lisa Belkin, a blogger for the New York Times whose work is provocative but not overly biased, wrote, “We are standing at a moment in time when the role of gender is shifting seismically. At this moment an argument can be made for two separate narrative threads—the first is the retreat of men as this becomes a woman’s world.”

    In an article in the Atlantic titled “Are Fathers Necessary?”author Pamela Paul wrote, “The bad news for Dad is that despite common perception, there’s nothing objectively essential about his contribution.”

    I could go on and on but I think I have hijacked this post enough.

    Hope you don’t mind, Tempest!

  17. earl

    “I have to think that this was a feature and not a bug; just another difference in the sexes.”

    Men have it too. Our gift is that we can take what we see, know, and experience and transport them to new arenas, situations, or people.

    It is entirely possible that everyday a man wakes up…he can be doing the same things and is a different person.

  18. Pingback: Don’t Badmouth Your Man | Truth and contr...

  19. dannyfrom504

    when she badmouths me i take use rick james’ patented, “what did the five fingers say to the face?” therapy. j/k.

    bad mouthing is a 2 way street. i LIT UP an ex who BEGGED me to take her back when she shit tested me for playing everquest with friends. i told her i wasn’t the one who wanted to get back together and if she has a problem with my MMORPG’ing she could take her ass back to the base.

    shut her up REAL quick.

  20. Carnivore

    @T “I would be willing to bet that a lot of wives don’t really understand how much their husbands take care of that they don’t notice.”

    Generalizing “wives” and “husbands” to “women” and “men” raises the issue that gets my goat – “women don’t need men” period. Driving through a city, there’s block after block of homes supported by miles of unseen infrastructure (power, sewer, etc.). In rural areas, there’s miles of road along with miles of power poles, telephone, etc. Some women believe they live in a Krellian world where, once the infrastructure is in place, it will self-maintain for centuries.

  21. TempestTcup Post author

    @Carnivore

    They have no idea. They don’t even think about it unless a power line gets hit by a truck or something.

    Even today at work, I come in and the internet is out (ack!). The other girl here was panicking while I was rebooting all of the modems and routers (there’s like 4 different things). I think she thinks it’s magic or something.

  22. Emma the Emo

    Good advice. If you absolutely must take some issue off your chest that you can’t discuss with your husband, you could, instead of badmouthing, tell the female friend exactly as things transpired. No namecalling, no exaggerations. In this case, the female friend might even tell you where you were in the wrong, or offer a rational explanation that you can’t see due to your emotional involvement (but it must be a close good friend, not a person you gossip with. Preferably someone on whom your red pill wisdom rubbed off on previously).

  23. Modern Drummer

    At work,I take my breaks with five co-workers-all women.
    They spend much of the time complaining about their husbands. About 3 months ago one of them filed for divorce at the urging and applause of her girlfriends at work.
    I remember predicting the beginning of
    a trend with the rest of the group,and
    sure enough,two more have since filed for divorce to the response of “you go girl” or some variation thereof by the other women,and yes,one of them actually used the exact words,you go girl.
    It has been fascinating to watch them ramp each other up to divorce their husbands.
    They are really enjoying the adrenaline rush of girl power right now,of course I doubt their children are enjoying it much,but hey,they’ll get over it,that’s what therapists and pharmaceuticals are for.
    One of these powerful women just got an enhanced pair of ta ta’s and now armed with silicone and hypergamy will no doubt find true happiness.

  24. TempestTcup Post author

    @Modern Drummer

    That is the worst, dwelling on someone’s flaws and overlooking their good, and then having a group encouraging you to ruin your life. Destroying your family in order to be the most popular woman at work.

  25. TempestTcup Post author

    @Emma the Emo

    Right, sometimes you need a friend, but if it is something bad about your husband, you really have to trust the friend. It might even be best to go to a professional or a priest or some other trusted but detached party.

  26. Emma the Emo

    Hmm, maybe I’m just lucky with the friend. We de-emotionalize each other’s situations when needed. When you’re open about being overemotional sometimes, your friend feels no pressure to validate everything you say.

  27. hearthie

    That was the one thing the gent who married us pounded into our heads (particularly my head) in pre-marital counseling. Don’t badmouth your man. Actually, he said to not run to mommy with complaints (I got married at 22, I think he was skeptical). It’s good advice.

  28. TempestTcup Post author

    Good advice. Once you marry it should be “us against the world” in that you are a team and everyone else, including your mother, has to be kicked to the periphery.

    Plus, women are like elephants, we never forget what is said about other people.

  29. redpillwifey

    This is one big reason I’ve taken a break from the Manosphere and my blog. We’ve been going through a big down time, and while Captain M reassures me that I can blog about whatever I want, I don’t feel right discussing his issues. So I’ve just been doing the usual INTJ-hermit thing. 😛

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  32. jospeh richar

    When man loves a woman and he finds out from others that she has been saying terrible things about him behind is back, a piece of him dies inside.

  33. Pingback: Value Your Man’s (and Your Relationship’s) Privacy – Mrs. Uppity

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