The Making of an Alpha Widow

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There have been a few really good posts on RPW about slutting around, pair bonding, losing virginity and Alpha Widows. Dana and I were having a conversation about it on the IRC yesterday morning, and I think that we are right about our views on the making of an Alpha Widow. It’s not how many partners she’s had, it’s the depth of emotion she has had with a partner or many partners; after all memories are emotionally driven and even more so in women.

It’s not from one night stands and having a lot of casual sex (although why a woman would want public access to such a private space is beyond my comprehension). ONS and casual sex are done without much emotion, and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of emotional baggage that goes along with it.

It’s also not from having serial monogamy where after a couple of years the man breaks up with the woman, and she is relieved. Both parties are pretty ready to move on by this point and the relationship has run its course. There isn’t much emotional baggage that comes with this one either.

Even losing her virginity doesn’t seem to make a woman pine for her deflowerer. When the subject came up, none of the RPW still had strong feelings for their first except for the ones who are still with them. Back in the day, women generally were with their first sex experience until death do they part, so they might have been able to sustain those feelings.

Dana and I both think that the Alpha Widow is caused by very strong feelings associated with sex and the breakup. These strong feelings might come from a woman being infatuated with a guy for a while and then finally having sex with her infatuation. If this leads to a longer relationship, she has other memories of him and if the relationship putters out, no Alpha Widow is made.

But, if a man and woman start dating and she develops strong feelings for him, and then at the height of her emotions towards him, he dumps her or quits talking to her, this is what creates an Alpha Widow: The one who got away.

It has to be during a period where there is lots of sex with all of the resulting bonding chemical reactions to really mess her up. One interesting thing I learned on the MMSL forum is that women have a basic response to the chemicals of sex. Almost to a woman, we all had the same cycle of emotions in the week after sex.

The pattern looks roughly like this: Sex Day —-> Green —-> Greener —-> Greenest —-> Yellow —-> Red (pouty/demanding). After red comes acceptance that sex will not occur and a reduction in the need for sex. So, husbands out there, don’t let it go beyond 3 or 4 days between wife servicing!

If a couple are just starting to get into a relationship hot and heavy and there is a lot of sex involved, that’s when, if the guy loses interest or quits talking to her, it will be at its most devastating. With all of the chemicals in her body, all the hot sex, and just as she is letting herself succumb fully to the emotions, if it is broken off she will be emotionally bereft.

The more emotions she felt during the short relationship, means the more emotions felt during the breakup period, which means the more emotions she will feel when remembering the encounter. This is what makes the Alpha Widow and what makes her unable to properly pair bond. She will constantly be looking for that elusive emotional high that she felt with him.

The next time she has feeling for a man, she will need those emotions to go higher than ever before to make the new man the new emotional high water mark and make her bond to him. This is why the PUA techniques are so effective: they make the woman feel higher emotions with all of the negging and attention, the pushing and pulling, the bouncing and dread game. There is a high level of excitement with game.

Whereas I do believe that PUAs are creating a lot of Alpha Widows, I also believe that if you can make a woman feel those incredible highs and lows early on in a relationship, in accordance with all of the bonding chemicals of sex, you can become the exciting alpha that she ultimately bonds to.

You can become her new emotional high water mark and therefore cause yourself to replace the alpha she was widowed to. There have to be emotional highs and lows: a veritable roller-coaster of emotions. She needs the soaring highs and the depths of despair to make her bond fully if she is an Alpha Widow.

Sure, it would be great to stumble upon a nice fresh-faced woman with no previous experience or emotional distress, but these days of sex with and without relationships, it might be good insurance against the possibility of her inability to pair bond. This all sounds like a pain in the butt, but if it could possibly save a world of hurt in the future, it might all be worth it.

Also, women shouldn’t give men advice about women, so YMMV 😀


27 thoughts on “The Making of an Alpha Widow

  1. eugn23

    This is all really accurate, and want to add that from my experience even though it seems like sex or a lot of good sex is necessary to create those feelings for alpha widows, it’s not always necessary (physical sex).

    Let’s say you’re a distance away for a while…if you can still make her orgasm (hard) over the phone (or skype) with some dirty talk regularly , and build a powerful emotional bond on top of that, the way the brain works (especially for women) whatever they imagine and start to feel in their mind can become real for them in their body. Their body will still release many of the same chemicals (dopamine and oxytocin and whatever else), in response to her emotions and feeling of excitement and anticipation.

    And if you were to still stop talking to her or “breakup” for whatever reason at the high at that point, they would still not be able to let it go and pine after you for years and those feelings don’t go, even really hot high quality girls with plenty of options…even though you weren’t having physical sex regularly.

    All this is to say, that from my personal experience… the physical sex itself may help with the pair bonding and chemicals but it’s not really the driver. Her brain can create those same chemicals on it’s own without it under the right circumstances.

    Something to think about…and great post

  2. TempestTcup Post author


    Oh right, like when the MMSL forum talks about emotional affairs; the people involved are flooded with dopamine, and are addicted to the rush of it when they haven’t even touched at all. Good point!

  3. Deep Strength

    What is interesting is if the alpha dies.

    Some women move on, and some women pine for him into eternity.

    I’m not quite sure what the difference is in those situation.

  4. TempestTcup Post author

    Deep Strength

    My Grandmother pined for my Grandfather for 20 years after he died, until she died. My MIL is still pining for my deceased FIL.

    I guess that if the alpha dies, she pines unless she finds another man equally or more alpha than her husband. I can’t imagine dating again.

  5. Deep Strength

    Seems like it depends to me. For some, death is pretty final so they have no problem moving on to another husband or life. Whether they’re still pining I guess I don’t exactly know but there have been happy marriages as a result.

  6. Sploosh

    Love this post. I’ve maintained for a while that it’s not the number of cock’s a woman as that effects her ability to bond. it’s the level of emotional connection. it’s like heroin. if you become her highest high, all other cocks before you will be forgotten.

    great post Tcup can’t wait to meet you in NO.

  7. TempestTcup Post author


    Yeah, there was something not right about it being all about number of partners, and when I was reading the thread about whether any RPW pined for their first, I knew it was much more than that.

    I do think that a high number of partners is a red flag, but for a woman’s low impulse control not for the Alpha Widow/lack of pair bonding effect.

    If Vegas was any indication, we will be having a BLAST in NO! Rest up; these people are animals.I look forward to meeting you!

  8. TempestTcup Post author

    Peregrine John

    Yes, me too. I almost changed it, but it really sums up “Alpha Widow” to a T.

    I feel for the poor dumb sucker who married her!

  9. zykos

    Makes sense, but the number of partners is not irrelevant. We’re talking about brain chemistry, so I think we can assume the same processes exist for drugs. For those of you who have ever taken drugs (caffeine and alcohol do count), you know that if you took a large quantity at once one day, and it was a positive experience, you’ll want to find that experience again (that’s alpha widowhood). It’s possible that this was the first time, as it’s always more sensitive the first time, but it doesn’t need to be so. However, if you’ve been taking a small dose over a long period of time, you have become much less sensitive to the drug and need higher doses, perhaps a completely new drug to feel the high. So a promiscuous woman may not be pining after a single of her past partners, but she may still have difficulty bonding, and requires more work from the guy’s part (so unless she’s perfect in every other way, why bother?).

    Women get upset at guys caring about their N, but it offers us a myriad of information. A high partner count in a woman means:

    low standards and low impulse control (i.e. low value)
    possibility of serious issues (e.g. mental illness) if guys don’t want to stick around
    increased likelihood of STDs
    a higher chance one of the partners made her into an alpha widow
    a higher threshold needed for pair-bonding

  10. TempestTcup Post author


    All of the things you listed are true, especially the low impulse control. A high partner count is a huge red flag for a lot of reasons, and like I said in the post, why on earth would a woman grant public access to such a private part of her body? I don’t understand!

  11. zykos


    Why? Well, the first two points I listed are causes more than consequences: it feels good, so she’s going along with it, or has some emotional pain she needs to alleviate. But most importantly, because they and their peers have projected their own feelings about high partner counts of men and think that as long as it’s “just a little”, it’s ok.

    Let’s see the flip side. A high partner count in men means:

    increased likelihood of STDs
    a higher threshold needed for pair-bonding
    no interest in long-term partnerships (I should have put that for women too)

    But also:

    industriousness (men have to work for it)
    presence of traits women find desirable but aren’t immediately noticeable (pre-selection)

    It’s a mix of positive and negative tells, and they compete against each other. Too many partners and the risks outweigh the benefits. There isn’t much difference in attractive qualities between a guy who had 30 and one who had 300 (everyone gets it, he has talent) but the STDs are a different story. But where is the threshold when women start feeling it’s too many? Well, that entirely depends on the promiscuity of the women population. It’s been said again and again on the sphere: women don’t care how many, just as long as they and their guy looks good in comparison with the rest. If you’re a slut at 5, you’ll want the 4th one to marry you, if you’re a slut at 20, then 4th is just a fling! Same for guys, if you’ve been with 10 and the average guy in your circles has been banging hundreds, you’re a wimp, but if you happen to be part of a fundamentalist Church, people will think you’re a player.

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  14. Rollo Tomassi

    Blueprint for an Alpha Widow:

    Dana and I both think that the Alpha Widow is caused by very strong feelings associated with sex and the breakup. These strong feelings might come from a woman being infatuated with a guy for a while and then finally having sex with her infatuation. If this leads to a longer relationship, she has other memories of him and if the relationship putters out, no Alpha Widow is made.

    I disagree, but not with the premise that sex and bonding isn’t a contributing factor, I just don’t think you’ve considered the Alpha Widow dynamic in full. There’s a reason for the maxim ‘Five Minutes of Alpha trumps five years of Beta’:

    Five minutes of alpha — even worse, five minutes of alpha rejection — can fuck with the heads of even the most desirable women. And continue fucking with them years later. In comparison — if the reports are to be believed — women who divorce beta schlubs after years of marriage pretty much forget them before the ink is dry on the papers.

    I would also argue that even the idealization of a desirable Alpha – if the fantasy is strong enough and a woman’s conditions deficient enough – is enough to create an Alpha Widow. There’s a reason for the rise in popularity of romance and romanticized stories and fan fiction for women. There’s a reason movies like the Twilight series inspire such fanatical devotion in women, Edward Cullen and Jacob Black are the Alpha archetypes Alpha Widows pine for vicariously through the stories.

  15. TempestTcup Post author

    Rollo Tomassi

    “I would also argue that even the idealization of a desirable Alpha – if the fantasy is strong enough and a woman’s conditions deficient enough – is enough to create an Alpha Widow.”

    I guess I could see it if you are reading a really long series like that and all the guys around you IRL are very nice and very thirsty.

    If I were in college today instead of the 1980s, I would be hard pressed to find a natural alpha like my husband (pilot by 18, fought competitively, skydiver, rock climber, scuba… I could go on and on LOL). Imagine reading those books and looking around at all the boys raised by their mothers to NOT climb trees, fight, talk back, get in trouble.

  16. Denise

    Hello TempestTcup (I’ve decided it’s polite to introduce myself when first commenting on someone’s blog).

    My general thought comes in the form of a question: If someone has only experienced 45 degree weather, is their experience any different than if they had experienced 75 degree weather? Perhaps the person who has always lived in 45 degree weather and grey skies doesn’t know what a sunny 75 degree day feels like. But a gray 45 degrees is a gray 45 degrees, is it not?

    Let’s make it more extreme. If someone had grown up in the Arctic, used to freezing and sub-zero temperatures all the time and had never known anything different, does the weather feel any less cold? They might be *used to it*, but being used to it doesn’t change the experience itself. What might well change things, though, is if they take a trip to southern California and realize that there’s more pleasant weather out there. Now they are aware of and have concrete knowledge of a different possibility. Thus, they might decide that they don’t want to put up with sub-zero temperatures anymore. And those who have been used to more pleasant weather are likely to be less open to moving somewhere with constant grey skies and chilly weather.

    I think it’s really the knowledge of alternate possibilities at work here, rather than an inherent bonding capacity. People learn, either through prior experience or the explicitness of the media and internet that there are sunnier skies and warmer weather out there. From what I’ve read elsewhere, I don’t think humans really have a limit on the number of people they have the capacity to form *healthy* attachments to, aside from the limits of time. (***People do, however, damage their capacity for healthy attachment through forming unhealthy ones***) Sexual attraction, though, is something other than healthy attachment. And it seems like they’re are being considered as one thing. As my questions implied, I think people are only going to be as attracted as they are attracted. I don’t see why never having been with, say, a 10, would suddenly make a 5 seem like an 8. Ignorance would aid greatly in contentment (it is bliss so they say), but ignorance would not change the strength of the experience. But those are just my musings.

  17. LostSailor

    Been reading off and on, but late to comment.

    I agree with Rollo. Great sex and a deep emotional connection are factors in a true Alpha Widow, but it’s also the hypergamy. The missing element is that the emotional response usually has to be for a much higher-value man: possibly a wealthy, successful man; possibly a classic bad-boy. He was the unattainable ideal who rocked her world in and out of the sack who was within her grasp, but left her nonetheless. This is the man she’ll remember most fondly on her deathbed.

    An Alpha Widow reminiscence of her alpha is different from Grandma pining for a husband who passed; that’s the result of a lifetime of love and devotion. My ex-MIL still goes into a funk every fall and only comes out of it after the holidays, 21 years after her husband died (a month after my ex and I were married–Pro-Tip: FIL on deathbed does not a good honeymoon make).

    The Alpha Widow always has a shadow lover in the recesses of her mind, the best she’s ever had, the one that got away, the one she secretly dreams of a fairy-tale life with. No one will ever fully measure up. Some women can remember him with a wistful sigh and get on with life; some women will remember and it will be a cancer in her psyche that will destroy her relationships. marriage, and life is she succumbs to the notion that in her 40s she still has a chance to find that kind of man again. The latter case is a tragedy. Down that path lie cats, lots of cats…

  18. TempestTcup Post author


    “He was the unattainable ideal who rocked her world in and out of the sack who was within her grasp, but left her nonetheless. This is the man she’ll remember most fondly on her deathbed. ”

    That makes sense with today’s relationships and women’s penchant for vom-coms and fairy-tale endings.

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  20. TempestTcup Post author

    One of the things suggested is to go into monk mode for 3-6 months and concentrate on improving yourself by working out, dressing better, honing your domestic skills, developing a pleasant personality, smiling more and working on any resting bitch face issues you might have. During this time you don’t date, flirt, or partake in any high excitement activities like going out late at night to clubs; the goal here is to not only reduce your need for drama and excitement, but to also get yourself into a place where you are more attractive to men and better able to attract a higher value man. Camille at our RedPillWomen subreddit had a good post on relationship dynamics that might help you place where you are on the scale to indicate the type of man you could look for to fulfill your needs.

    You probably have a much higher threshold for dominance in a man, and you might need that from him to maintain your attraction and wipe thoughts of the man that widowed you out of your head.

    After your monk mode period, you can start dating again, but then you need to date purposely and vet each man completely before sex. Obtain at least a commitment of exclusivity before going forward: neither of you are having sex with other people while you are in your sexual relationship. When dating, look for a man with a stronger sense of self, one that doesn’t put up with shenanigans, one that has a vision and drive for that vision, and a man that you respect and for which you have a strong attraction. When you find that man, prove your relationship skills and worth to him as a girlfriend. Think of it almost as a job interview: you are interviewing him for the job of being your mate for the rest of your life, and you are being interviewed for the job of being worthy of having him as your mate.

  21. Desdinova Superstar

    This is one of the best posts I’ve read on the subject. Honestly, I feel that the term “Alpha Widow” isn’t exactly the best way to describe what happens to the woman here. I’ve been calling it “High Score Theory” which IMO is really a much better way of describing how it all works.

    Men rack up points with women by causing them emotional fluctuation. The one who racks up the most points sits at the top of her high score list. That high score doesn’t go away. There are also other men on the list: high school crushes, celebrity crushes, a few other guys she’s been with, etc etc. The guys at the bottom of the list are usually her new encounters. Sometimes there is more than one man sitting at or near the top of her list which I’ve seen a few times.

    This is why I modified my stance on “soulmates”. I firmly believe that a woman’s “soulmate” is the man sitting at the top of her list. Men do not have soulmates. Men are highly focused on the women who occupy their immediate vicinity.

    Another way to view it is when contemplating the topic of one-itis and how it affects each sex. For women, one-itis is a terminal disease. With men, it’s a curable malady. Women truly never get over that “one guy” in their past who emotionally rocked her world. They spend the rest of their lives searching for his replacement. Over time, she gets jaded and disappointed that there are no other men living up to the high bar set by her “soulmate” and she eventually settles for someone who’s just “good enough”.

    I wrote an in-depth post about how all this stuff works on Sosuave:

    I honestly think that High Score Theory is the only key when it comes to keeping women in western society. Marrying up a slut who’s top end of her high score list is filled with better men is just a recipe for disaster. I believe the best age range to emotionally penetrate a woman is in the 18-23 range, although this is also related to her “party” phase. I firmly believe that if a man can emotionally penetrate her in this age range and then come back when she’s more “mature” (age 23-27), he’ll be able to keep her indefinitely – given that he doesn’t transform himself into a beta wanker.

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