What Farmville 2 Has Taught Me about Life Today

balloons

You get 2 kids before you are engaged. Your Sweetheart just shows up one day and refuses to leave; no matter how hard you ignore him, he’s still around waving at you and being generally needy for attention. You don’t get to choose your sweetheart, but you do get to change him and dress him, LOL. He spends most of his time outside, lying on his back, staring at the clouds and hot air balloons. Yes, there are hot air balloons.

Then one day, without a by-your-leave, he totes home a baby from the neighboring village. I have no clue where he gets the kid, but then it’s up to you to feed the damn thing until it’s grown enough to fend for itself. When that one is barely out of the baby carriage, here he comes, wheeling another baby home. Where does it all end? You haven’t even made a commitment, and already there are two rug-rats waving and being as needy for attention as your Sweetheart.

Your family plays and goofs off all day while you run your butt off planting and feeding, and then, once a day they get to do something cool like diving for pearls, hunting mushrooms, and exploring caves. First though, before they will do this, they demand a meal and then drop crumbs everywhere. The kids don’t even have to go to school. How do I sign up for this childhood?

There are lots of other people that visit, too. Strangers show up unannounced at your farm, and instead of getting your shotgun to run them off with a butt load of rock salt, you put them to work. Some of them are just wandering around unattended, probably getting into mischief, but the well trained ones sit patiently (sometimes for seven or eight hours!) waiting for migrant labor work. After they do their job, they run off down the road; you don’t even have to build them a shanty town to stay in. Sweet deal!

After a while, once you get good at farming, you are encouraged to join a commie co-op, and share the fruit of your hard labor. Just like real life, in your co-op the people who give the most rarely ask for anything, but the biggest beggars are the stingiest. Also the slackers get just as many “favors” (prizes for making the goal that can be used to buy stuff) as the hardest worker. Everyone gets a gold star!

You all work towards a common goal of a certain number of recipes made, and of course, the harder you work, the harder they make you work. Say your co-op makes more recipes than needed; the number of recipes will increase the next time around. If the co-op doesn’t meet the goal, the number of recipes decreases. From each according to his ability, to each according to his need, amirite comrade?

If you are gone for a few days you turn into a virtual prodigal farmer, they give you tons of free stuff and make everything extra easy and rewarding to suck you back in. Do they give all this stuff to the hard workers that have slaved for weeks without leaving? Nope. Just the quitters who walk away without saying goodbye and then show up again, without calling, get the fatted calf.

Speaking of fatted calf, almost all recipes are vegetarian except for a few fish dishes, and those fish dishes are formidably expensive. You are unable to harvest meat from other animals. What do you get from a nice fat pig? Mud. You get mud. What the hell? Sure, from the cows you get milk and cheese, and you get eggs from chickens, but no bacon from your pigs? Surely that is sacrilege.

During gay pride week, they gave out rainbow fences “to celebrate the right to love”, so I made a little double, super-gay corner on my farm; it even kind of sparkles. I put all of my gay donkeys in there to graze and “love”.

supergay

On one of my farms (I have two), my neighbors are real people playing the game and we chat on the message board, etc. The other farm has fake people, which makes it infinitely more interesting. Why on Earth would they make a fake co-op full of fake people? The mind, it wobbles.

fakers

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