There have been a few really good posts on RPW about slutting around, pair bonding, losing virginity and Alpha Widows. Dana and I were having a conversation about it on the IRC yesterday morning, and I think that we are right about our views on the making of an Alpha Widow. It’s not how many partners she’s had, it’s the depth of emotion she has had with a partner or many partners; after all memories are emotionally driven and even more so in women.
It’s not from one night stands and having a lot of casual sex (although why a woman would want public access to such a private space is beyond my comprehension). ONS and casual sex are done without much emotion, and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of emotional baggage that goes along with it.
It’s also not from having serial monogamy where after a couple of years the man breaks up with the woman, and she is relieved. Both parties are pretty ready to move on by this point and the relationship has run its course. There isn’t much emotional baggage that comes with this one either.
Even losing her virginity doesn’t seem to make a woman pine for her deflowerer. When the subject came up, none of the RPW still had strong feelings for their first except for the ones who are still with them. Back in the day, women generally were with their first sex experience until death do they part, so they might have been able to sustain those feelings.
Dana and I both think that the Alpha Widow is caused by very strong feelings associated with sex and the breakup. These strong feelings might come from a woman being infatuated with a guy for a while and then finally having sex with her infatuation. If this leads to a longer relationship, she has other memories of him and if the relationship putters out, no Alpha Widow is made.
But, if a man and woman start dating and she develops strong feelings for him, and then at the height of her emotions towards him, he dumps her or quits talking to her, this is what creates an Alpha Widow: The one who got away.
It has to be during a period where there is lots of sex with all of the resulting bonding chemical reactions to really mess her up. One interesting thing I learned on the MMSL forum is that women have a basic response to the chemicals of sex. Almost to a woman, we all had the same cycle of emotions in the week after sex.
The pattern looks roughly like this: Sex Day —-> Green —-> Greener —-> Greenest —-> Yellow —-> Red (pouty/demanding). After red comes acceptance that sex will not occur and a reduction in the need for sex. So, husbands out there, don’t let it go beyond 3 or 4 days between wife servicing!
If a couple are just starting to get into a relationship hot and heavy and there is a lot of sex involved, that’s when, if the guy loses interest or quits talking to her, it will be at its most devastating. With all of the chemicals in her body, all the hot sex, and just as she is letting herself succumb fully to the emotions, if it is broken off she will be emotionally bereft.
The more emotions she felt during the short relationship, means the more emotions felt during the breakup period, which means the more emotions she will feel when remembering the encounter. This is what makes the Alpha Widow and what makes her unable to properly pair bond. She will constantly be looking for that elusive emotional high that she felt with him.
The next time she has feeling for a man, she will need those emotions to go higher than ever before to make the new man the new emotional high water mark and make her bond to him. This is why the PUA techniques are so effective: they make the woman feel higher emotions with all of the negging and attention, the pushing and pulling, the bouncing and dread game. There is a high level of excitement with game.
Whereas I do believe that PUAs are creating a lot of Alpha Widows, I also believe that if you can make a woman feel those incredible highs and lows early on in a relationship, in accordance with all of the bonding chemicals of sex, you can become the exciting alpha that she ultimately bonds to.
You can become her new emotional high water mark and therefore cause yourself to replace the alpha she was widowed to. There have to be emotional highs and lows: a veritable roller-coaster of emotions. She needs the soaring highs and the depths of despair to make her bond fully if she is an Alpha Widow.
Sure, it would be great to stumble upon a nice fresh-faced woman with no previous experience or emotional distress, but these days of sex with and without relationships, it might be good insurance against the possibility of her inability to pair bond. This all sounds like a pain in the butt, but if it could possibly save a world of hurt in the future, it might all be worth it.
Also, women shouldn’t give men advice about women, so YMMV 😀