Tag Archives: drinking

10 Best Ways to Laugh at Tucker Max

tucker max cat meme

1. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

2. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!!!!!!!!   [Note: Dr Illusion has since make the post private and wrote another post after corresponding with TM.]

3. HAHA-LOL-HAHA-LOL-HAHA-LOL-HAHA-LOL-HAH!!!!!!!!

4. giggleCLAPgiggleCLAPgiggleCLAPgiggleCLAPgiggle!!!!!!!!

5. ZomgZomgZomgZomgZomgZomgZomgZomgZom!!!!!!!

6. heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!!!!

7. heh.

8. Yeah, that’s all I got; just wanted to get in on the fun!

9. Bwhahahaha!      <——-Everyone needs to read this – Free Northerner can see the future!

Invasion of the Blob Girls

blobfish-1csjocl

My husband drags me around (kicking and screaming, lol) to a bunch of tiny neighborhood dives for happy hour, and there is a trend that I have been noticing for the past few years that has been getting worse and worse: Blob Girl Bartenders. They look blobby, have zero personality, have their noses stuck in their phones 24/7, their bars are always sticky and filthy, and it is impossible to get a beer from them.

When you do finally get their attention you notice the vacant look in their eyes; there’s no working brain back there. The rare male bartender doesn’t have this problem, isn’t constantly checking his phone and will actually get you a beer. I’m not sure where all of the male bartenders went, but all of our bars are now almost completely staffed by blob girls for happy hour; maybe the male bartenders work the higher paying night shifts (we aren’t out at night).

Back in the day, before smart phones, the bartender would be forced to engage the public out of sheer boredom. Since they weren’t able to check their facebook status constantly, they would talk to their customers and might even notice that their customer’s drinks were low. Shocking, I know!

Bartenders were part of the bar-going entertainment and the more entertaining the bartender, the fuller the bar, the more drinks sold, and the more money the bartender makes. There used to be this concept of cultivating a clientele so that when you went to work you stayed busy and made money, but these girls are just putting in their time behind the bar. They are bored and boring.

I want to shake them and tell them to engage their customers and make money! If I have to be somewhere I don’t want to be, I want to make as much money there as humanly possible. I don’t understand working somewhere where you rely on sales for income and not making those sales or income. Why bother showing up in the first place?

The sad thing about this trend is that I’m pretty sure that these girls are incapable of engaging a customer. Some of them we have known for years and have never had a conversation. They were raised on social media and communicating online and may not even be able to carry on a conversation in person. I wouldn’t know; I’ve never seen them even try.

Some of the blob girls will advance to bar manager, and then they hire even blobbier girls to bartend. It is like they barely scraped together enough gumption to make it to manager, and they don’t want competition, yet they need a consistent warm body behind the bar. But they don’t want that warm body to outshine them in any way, so they hire women who are even more bovine and cud-chewing than themselves.

There are woman bartenders with a work ethic and pleasing personality, but they are very rare around here. There is also a bar staffed purely by males, and they are entertaining, clean, and efficient. When a bartender stops to refill a drink, wipe down a part of the bar or empty an ashtray, those are all excellent opportunities to engage their customers and compel those customers to return.

When a bartender has her nose in her phone, she doesn’t notice the empty drink, the mess on the bar, and the full ashtray. She misses a chance to get to know her customers and to cultivate a working relationship with them. She misses the chance to ply her trade and make more money. I don’t think that Blob Girls are exclusive to the bar industry either; I think that they are everywhere, in every sort of job, watching the clock and doing the least work possible until they can finally leave. Please don’t be a Blob!

The Mardi Gras Meetup of Mass Destruction

mardigras

Just as my brain cells were finally starting to recover from The Las Vegas Meetup of Doom, reservations were confirmed for the Mardi Gras Meetup of Mass Destruction! Holy Moly, 6 days and nights in beautiful New Orleans, from Thursday February 27th through Wednesday March 5th.

Mitch got a couple of rooms at the Baymont Inn and Suites just outside Six Flags, which also sounds like a bunch of fun; maybe I’ll go get my roller coaster on. Danny has a balcony for us to hang on for the festivities, and someone mentioned a driver and van to shuttle us to and from the French Quarter.

As far as I know, the people who have confirmed their intention to go are the same as Las Vegas: Mitch, Danny, MANdatory, Dr. Illusion, Mistress, DoktorBill, and me. Then I saw that Matt Forney will also be attending, so that will be awesome! I’d say that if anyone else plans on going, get yourself a room at the Baymont, and get the two queen beds in case someone needs to bunk with you.

The Las Vegas meetup was extraordinary because as I met everyone, the minute we met it was as if I had known them forever. I’ve never had that happen before, but talking to them all, they had the same experience. Hopefully it will be the same when I meet everyone in New Orleans!

Danny’s Announcement

Mitch’s Announcement

The Lost Art of Lying

Lying

I’m a terrible liar; I learned early in life that I was no good at it, so I gave up trying. The problem is that the truth just pops out most of the time. The one thing I don’t have a problem with is lying to authority figures. In high school, I was extremely good at coming up with fantastic stories on why I missed a class. I got so good at it that I pretty much skipped school constantly with no repercussions.

The reason I’m bringing this up is the looming switch from paper medical records to a digital database under Obamacare. Now, there have been all kinds of reports saying that doctors are required to ask you if there is a gun in your home or how many sexual partners you have had or are currently having. I’ve read conflicting stories on the NRA getting most of the most damning language out of the new law, and I really don’t have time to research the whole topic, so I’m not going to delve into that.

The main thing is that now there really is a permanent record. You say something once to your doctor and it is put into the database forever more. A lot of people think that doctors are there to help them and that if you don’t tell your doctor about your alcohol/drug/tobacco use, they won’t be able to properly treat any ailments that crop up because of that use. This is a fallacy.

Doctors are not here to help you. Doctors are glorified pill and surgery salespeople. Sure, there are about 10% of all doctors that try really hard to help, and they have their heart in the right place, but they still try to push statins and blood pressure medication on healthy people “just in case”. Plus, if you read medical journals from the 1970s, you will see that the medical community and their pharmaceutical overlords keep lowering the bar for cholesterol and blood pressure, so that more people can be prescribed pills.

Now that your medical records are in a database for eternity, and all your medical expenses are soon to be socialized, your bad behavior will eventually be punished. I advocate lying. If a doctor asks you if you drink, say NO. If they ask whether or not you smoke, say NO. If they ask if there’s a gun in the house, say NO. All information you give them will eventually be used to determine all kinds of things about you.

If they ask how many sexual partners you have had and you say “only my husband” then you are not toeing the liberal line of sluttitude and might be a dangerous radical. If you reply “50 or 60” then you are engaging in risky behavior and might be required to undergo invasive procedures. I think the best answer to that question is “4 but only my husband since marriage”. That is pretty ambiguous, and doesn’t raise any eyebrows. The goal here is to blend.

I do all kinds of things that are considered commonly-accepted dangerous behaviors: I sunbathe, I eat a ton of saturated fats, I intermittent fast instead of eating seven small meals a day, I shoot guns, I smoke, I drink, I drive fast, etc. There is no way I’m going to tell a doctor about any of those things. Heck, I pretty much refuse to see a doctor except when I break something or am in dire health.

Even though I am disgustingly healthy and in good shape, every time I did go to a doctor, they always wanted to prescribe me statins and blood pressure medication “just in case”. My blood pressure is very low, and I like cholesterol; my brain is the most cholesterol-rich organ in my body. I like my brain and its cholesterol, and I don’t want to take a drug that lowers that cholesterol.

How long will it be before refusing to take statins and blood pressure medication is considered risky behavior? What will happen if you defy your doctor? When doctors are government employees, how much power will they have over you? Think of doctors as if they are as powerful as IRS agents. Soon there will be three things you can’t avoid: Death, Taxes, and Forced Healthcare.

A Better Rice Beer Recipe

2B4R3089

[An updated recipe is located here – it is much simpler!]

I’ve been playing with my rice beer* recipe & think I’ve gotten it to down to the basics. I started with this recipe, and it was great except that it was a lot of work, a lot of hours & took a long time to ferment. There isn’t enough time from when I get home from work until I go to bed to work the recipe. If you use glutinous (sweet) rice & steam it for a couple of hours, it is so incredibly sticky that it’s hard to separate & mix with the yeast ball. It takes 14 days to ferment, and a double batch only makes about 4 pints, so even if you stagger 2 double batches, say 1 each week, you still only have 4 pints a week for a ton of work. Not acceptable!

So, I went back & searched other recipes. Most of them said to cook the rice normally (on the stove or in a rice cooker), but I didn’t really see glutinous rice cooking “normally” because it kind of instantly explodes into this large sticky ball of rice in the pan instead of nice plump separate grains of rice like you would see with Walmart rice. Plus, Ben’s recipe says the rice needs to be a little bit underdone with a nutty center.

I mixed 6 cups of glutinous rice with 4 cups of jasmine rice (the glutinous rice made a too-sweet end-product), rinsed until clear, & soaked for an hour in spring water. After draining, I took what most of the recipes said & cooked 1 part rice in 1.5 parts spring water until it turns into a huge, thick, sticky ball of the driest rice you can get (still not dry though) before the whole mess burns. It takes about 3.5 seconds after dumping the rice into the boiling water (okay, maybe a couple of minutes). This takes a large stock pot.

While you let the half-cooked rice cool, take your fermenting container (I use this one), fill it with water & add a cap or two of bleach. You should be able to just barely smell the bleach. Toss a tea towel & a spatula of some sort in the jar, invert the lid of the jar & fill that with bleach water too. Let those soak for 30 minutes or so to sterilize. Dump the water, wring out the tea towel & dry the jar.

Take 2 cookie sheets & put them on a large clean surface that moist heat won’t hurt (not grandmother’s heirloom dining table). Cover both cookie sheets with one new, clean trash bag. When the rice is cool enough to handle, spread the rice in the farthest cookie sheet to let it cool further. After a couple of minutes, grab the trash bag & flip the rice into the near cookie sheet & fill the farthest one again with hotter rice to cool.

Crush two yeast balls in a mortar & pestle. Take small bits of the nearest, coolest rice & when it feels warm but not hot to your (clean!) fingers & drop it into the sterilized jar bit by bit. It should be about 110F to not kill the yeast. Keep one hand clean & let the other one get covered with rice.

Sprinkle a spoonful of yeast on the first layer of rice & then repeat until all rice & yeast is layered in the jar. Cover with the damp, sterilized tea towel & place lid on top. Put in a large soft-sided cooler (or wrap in towels, etc) & let sit overnight. In the morning it should be pretty juicy. Stir with clean spatula. Each morning & evening give it a good stir; it should be bubbling merrily.

The yeast balls contain a medicinal mold, Aspergillus Oryza, that breaks the starch down to sugar & then the yeast ferments the resulting sugar. There is a third process that the rice mixture goes through to make the whole mess sweet, but that process escapes me at the moment. I found it somewhere in my research, but don’t have time to look for it – I’ll try to add it back in later if I stumble across it.

I keep the fermenting rice in my kitchen, which stays about 80F – the fermenting rice is exothermic, so I keep it insulated to speed up the process. After about 4 or 5 days the rice should be pretty liquid & it should smell sweet like really ripe alcoholic fruit. In bleach water, sterilize some cheesecloth or a floursack cloth, some bottles in which to bottle your beer (I use Grolsch bottles) a 1 cup measuring scoop & a large funnel.

Put the funnel in your first bottle, drape the cloth over it & scoop a cup or so of the rice mixture in the cloth. Squeeze the heck out of the rice until you get all the liquid out. You can use the rice in recipes, but I just squeeze it until it forms a hard rice turd & I throw it away. Sorry, waste-not-want-not people! Fill your bottles (it usually fills 7 bottles), put in a teaspoon of sugar, cap the bottles & put in a warm dark place to ferment for a couple of days.

Chill the bottles in your fridge. Watch out because they might be pretty explosive when you open them. The resulting rice beer is very fizzy, pretty yummy & chock full of not only beneficial bacteria, but also a medicinal mold. Mmmmm, bacteria & mold – just what the doctor ordered, lol.

*Also called rice wine, makgeolli, etc.

[Update: This stuff is kind of dangerously strong – as much as 22% alcohol (more when you bottle it with a half teaspoon sugar?), which is 44 proof, so if you drink a pint of it, it could be the equivalent of drinking almost 8 shots of 90 proof alcohol – So BE CAREFUL, lol!]

[Note: I have found small spots of mold when I’ve not stirred for a couple of days, but I just scrape those off & ignore. I figure that mold is a part of the process, so it might be the yeast ball mold. Heck, I don’t know! It hasn’t killed me yet!]

Conversational Sluts & Gut Flora

slut1

Sunshinemary had an interesting post a few weeks ago about the human microbiome and how trading it during sex affects us:

When a woman comes together with her husband, she’s receiving more than just semen. She’s also being “seeded” by receiving a big dose of his microbiome inside her, a microbiome which literally affects who she is and how she thinks and feels. In a very real sense, we become part of the men we have sexual relations with.

She goes on further on the subject:

I am only wondering aloud here, but does it not seem that it would be stressful to a woman’s body and mind to receive the microbiomes of numerous men? Wouldn’t her body be able to adapt and function better if she only received that from one man? And doesn’t it make sense that she would bond deeply with that one man, given that part of him is now physically a part of her, affecting the very way she perceives the world?

This has been fermenting (hah!) in the back of my mind for the past week or so & then I realized why I hung onto it. My husband & I are bar gut-flora sluts. When we go to a bar, we will sit next to anyone & talk to them & just by the act of conversation, we share gut flora with them.

I have been working hard on colonizing my body with beneficial bacteria & I always thought of talking to people as me sharing my hard work (good gut flora) with them & increasing their health, but I never thought of them sharing their bad flora with me. And I certainly never thought that sharing a lot of strangers’ flora might be messing me up internally.

Just a few generations ago, there were close extended families that everyone spent a lot of time with & they would share their gut flora. People may not have had a lot of contact with complete strangers. When I was a kid being raised in the Catholic tradition, we lived in our Parish, went to school in the Parish school, went to Mass in the Church next to the school, played with all of the other neighborhood Parish kids after school & Mass. I bet if we had all been tested, they would have found that the Parish had a specific gut flora.

Which brings me to the subject of going to a wide variety of small bars & conversing with a lot of different people, a lot of which are complete strangers. I never thought of this as damaging my health. I never considered that this might be seeding me with detrimental microbiome. And the stupid thing about it is that most of these people are downright tedious, anyway. So it is damaging to my body & mind.

My husband & I were talking last night about how annoying a lot of the people are that we see on a regular basis & Sunshinemary’s post came to mind. I told him about it & suddenly it all made sense – we need to only converse with the people we like & respect. Only share gut flora or microbiomes with people in which we want to invest. We need to quit being conversational sluts.

Male Harem: A Case Study

04_Features - APRIL

I know this woman that has a soft harem of lower betas (they are getting laid, so I assume that would be beta?). She was born in the Summer of Love to hippie-dippy parents that gave her a hippie-dippy name like Sunflower. I wouldn’t call her a friend because she is super annoying, usually trashed, loud & pushy, etc, but she is fascinating to observe in the wild because of her harem. Or do I call it a Stable? Are they beta orbiters that occasionally collide? Heck, I don’t know what to call whatever the hell it is that she has, but watching it is sad yet hilarious.

Whenever we arrive at this hipster bar for happy hour, she is generally there with at least one of her orbiters, but sometimes she has a whole line of them going. There is a hierarchy to her stable & the “need to know” aspect is congruent with their place in that hierarchy.

The main fellow is her Sugar Daddy; he pays for her life. He travels for business, so we only see him once or twice a month. When she is with SD, she wears a HUGE rock on her left ring finger, is sober, dresses up in dresses & is super sweet & friendly to everyone. When she is with him, her other guys leave her alone & ignore her. SD has no clue about the others.

Then there is a tall thin fellow with Bushy Eyebrows. BE is #2 and doesn’t know about #3, #4 & however many millions of others she has. I don’t know if BE knows about SD. I don’t see BE in the hipster bar without her – he isn’t really a regular there. Last time I saw her there with him, the other two fellows lower on the totem pole were lined up on the other side of her but not engaging her.

#3 is a large British fellow that frequently wears one of those little cloth welding caps welders wear under their masks, so I’m assuming blue collar. He knows about #1 & #2, but I’m not sure if he knows about #4. He seems perfectly fine with the situation & I’ve seen him sit patiently in the lineup of beaus sitting at the bar.

Of all of them, #3 is probably the one with the least emotional bond. I think he is there solely to get the occasional piece of ass & really doesn’t care who else she’s with. He is a regular & is there without her & is also talking to & picking up other girls. He doesn’t show any affection towards her & doesn’t hide the fact that they leave together.

#4 is a sad, tortured fellow. He knows about all of the others & he is last in line. He gets her when she is the most drunk because the other guys will walk away when they think they might have to do her sloppy. He has one-itis big time. He is always trying to show affection, but she brushes off his gestures. She will only let him kiss her in public when she is blackout drunk (at 6pm!).

When they leave, he tries to hide the fact that they are leaving together, so he has obviously had a talking to about the situation. He will show up at the bar without her, but is crying in his beer & does a lot of shots. It is a pathetic thing to behold.

Anyway, I didn’t know if this was a common thing for females to have a bunch of lovers. I mean, I get that some women have a husband & the pool boy, but is it common for a female to have so many males waiting patiently (& not so patiently) for their turn? She isn’t particularly that pretty; she’s in her mid-forties, she’s kind of chunky & she’s annoying as all hell. When she gets drunk she sings out loud. She thinks she has a great voice, but she is mistaken. Very, very mistaken.