Tag Archives: helpful hints

The Best Way to Season Your Cast Iron? Don’t!

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There are only two reasons why you would need to season your cast iron: you have low-quality cast iron or you are cooking with industrial seed oils (also known as “vegetable” oils) like corn oil, safflower oil, soybean oil, and canola (rapeseed) oil. Most of the lower priced cast iron today is much more porous than the cast iron of yesteryear; back in the day the cast iron was denser and milled smooth and slick.

If you run your finger across the cooking surface of your pan, is there a pebbly feel? If so you have a low quality pan. I highly suggest going to rummage sales, estate sales, flea markets, and the like and find some old cast iron. When you look at the cooking surface of the pan, you should see faint concentric rings in the bottom and it will feel slick to the touch.

Even if you have the porous, pebbly cheap stuff, if you cook with saturated fat like animal fat or coconut oil, your food will stick much less than if you used the highly processed vegetable oils. Saturated fat is less susceptible to oxidation than vegetable oils, so it is less likely to allow your cast iron to rust. You know that crusty black stuff that is so revered in the cast iron world as “seasoning”? It is gross and unnecessary; it is a buildup of old food and old, oxidized industrial seed oil that has turned into a hard plastic coating. Example (ewwww):
gross residue

A good pan, properly used with saturated fat remains slick and smooth with no buildup of residue. It will turn a pleasing dark brown with use. When you use saturated fats with your pan, you clean your pan either by wiping it out with a paper towel if it is very clean oil (frying eggs in coconut oil), or by using very hot water and a stainless steel scouring pad (after removing all fat – you don’t want to put that down your drain), and for the really tough jobs you can even *GASP!* use dishwashing soap. I know, blasphemy!

After cleaning and drying your pan, simply rub a little coconut oil or bacon fat into the pan and it is good to go. I have gone from using the new cheap cookware with vegetable oil and accumulating that gross stuck on crusty surface in an attempt to make my pans nonstick, to using the old quality pans with saturated fat and no “seasoning” and the way I cook now is so much better. The only times I have to wash the pans beyond a simple scrubbing with steel is when I cook something thick and sticky like chili.

There are a lot of makers of the good old pans, including Griswold (who also made Victor, ERIE and Iron Mountain), Wagner, Lodge (old Lodge is unmarked – look for 3 notches in the heat ring on the underside of the pan), Wapak, Favorite Piqua, and Birmingham. There are also a lot of really good unmarked pans, so just look for the slick cooking surface with milling marks.

Examples:
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My favorite cast iron pan came with our house when we bought it abandoned. I have looked at hundreds of pictures of old cast iron and haven’t seen a handle configuration like mine yet. I have no clue what brand it is but it is very light-weight, slick, and the handle doesn’t get hot. I have another unmarked pan that was my grandmother’s and its handle doesn’t get hot either. It is warm to the touch, but you can cook in it for an hour and still pick it up without using a hot pad. That’s a well designed pan!

Edited to add that here is a vintage Lodge pan for $10.50!

Allergies and Gut Flora

Gut Flora

I was reading Free the Animal and Richard had a post which had a section on how taking soil-based probiotics helped his allergies. I have been following his Resistant Starch series from the beginning and had just purchased some soil-based probiotics. I had my husband, who has horrible allergies, try taking one of them a day and a week later, he was off all allergy meds. He hasn’t taken an allergy pill for over 3 days now, and Spring is his worst season. I just wanted to get this out there for any of you who have allergies!

I am crazy busy at work (tons of overtime!) and my husband and I are starting a huge new project out of work, so I don’t have a lot of time to research this further, but go over and see what Richard has to say about it. Sorry I haven’t been around much, but hopefully soon I can start writing all of those posts that I have in my head! 🙂

 

Corsets & Tight-lacing: A Conversation with Arya Blue (Part 2)

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If you waist train, do you think that the corset permanently changes your shape? Like if I started waist training now, do you think I would change the shape I am even after removing the corset? Do you ever wear other support garments, and if you do, how do they compare with corsets?

ABB: Yes. It can absolutely change the shape of a girls body. Several things contribute to this, first and most common is fat displacement. Over time, tightlacing pushes fat deposits to other areas of the body. Most of this fat movement is not permanent and will have to be maintained to keep the inches off. In the beginning, if you’re dedicated, the amount of time wearing a corset will be basically equal to how long the effects lasts. In other words, if you waist train seriously for a year, and stop wearing it, your body will most likely return to it’s original shape gradually over the following year. After years of tight-lacing (continuous or on and off), some of this fat displacement will be permanent. The longer you waist train (years not hours), the longer the inches stay off. Keep in mind it takes at least 6 months before the body will really start to permanently move fat to different fat cells.

Second, is the repositioning of the floating ribs. This is harder to achieve than moving fat but the results are usually permanent. Your lower rib placement makes a huge difference on how well waist training works (especially if you have a small torso). The younger you start, the more permanent the body change. That doesn’t mean it won’t help anyone, of any age, take at least a few inches off their waist.

Best advice I can give on long term or permanent waistline changes —

…how much time (both years and hours) you spend waist training, matters more than how tight it is. Go slow and listen to your body.

I would tell any woman that wants a smaller waist or a flatter stomach to wear some type of waist controller. Anything. If worn tight enough and regularly, it can work to displace a little fat. It also teaches a girl to stand up straight, and suck it in, which along with building abdominal muscles and improving posture, just simply makes her look better. Using store bought, inexpensive waist controllers is the perfect first step to tightlacing. It’s more comfortable, easier to get on and off and starts to prepare your body and mind for the waist training process.

TTC: “Go slow and listen to your body.” Good advice for any sort of change! After getting crushed at Mardi Gras, my abs were sore, hard, and kind of distended for weeks. Using a waist cincher really helped pull them back in and relieve a lot of pressure from movement. They are STILL sore, and I’m hoping that a little bit of waist training (and more squats and kettlebell swings) will put those muscles back to right.

ABB: Exactly! We live in a society of quick conveniences but anyone who has ever produced real change in their life, knows it’s a slow arduous process.

I’ve read a lot of stories about women fighting scoliosis and other back problems with tight-lacing. Waist training/corsetry has always been viewed through a political lens (always). Most information we’ve been fed about tight-lacing from the past is fraudulent feminist propaganda, because of this, and the continued spreading of these myths, it’s almost impossible to know if there are any real health benefits from tight-lacing.

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I’m kind of built like a 2×4: long and slender with no waistline, hips or bust; I always have been built that way, and I’m pretty solid. Do you think that a corset would give me a waistline?

ABB: You are not built like a 2×4. I would give a lot to have your long slender legs.
Short answer, yes, if you’re committed and do it right, it will take inches off your waist.
How many inches is the real question?
Wearing a corset, 8 to 12 hours a day for a year, can take 4 to 6 inches off a normal (not obese or rail thin) woman’s waist. But a lot of things influences how many inches will come off: Body type, hours spent wearing it, the fit, how often, how tight, and unfortunately to some extent, age.
**These are my experiences and observations – waist training is very popular with burlesque dancers**

TTC: LOL, I didn’t mean anything bad by the 2×4 comment, but even when I was super skinny (5’9” and 115lbs) graduating high school, I never had a single curve (I’ll try to find a picture in a bikini) and didn’t even have boobs until I was about 35. I have noticed, since I went Paleo/Primal in 2008, that my body has changed shape on its own without any help from me using waist cinchers. I had funky little skinny-fat fat deposits in weird places; they all went away, and I developed breasts and a tiny amount of hips. I think that I could further benefit from a tiny bit of waist training, but I think that extreme tight-lacing might not be a good idea given my *cough* advanced age 🙂

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Do you wear corsets under or over your clothes? Do you wear them for decoration, support, or both? How noticeable are corsets when wearing them under clothes for support? Are there different types of fabrics that show them more?

ABB: I’ve worn over, under and only. I like peek-a-boos for under my clothes. These usually have waist cinchers but are structured and embellished at the bust(to peek out). Wearing these, I essentially out myself for wearing a corset and create a sexy “what does she have on under that?” excitement. If burlesque taught me anything, it’s that men like to be visually teased, but leaving some things to the imagination is usually more powerful.

My closet is full of different styles of corsets for different types of occasions. Most of what I own are not true corsets, but the shape is flattering on me. I do have two nice “going out” corsets. These are not appropriate for most events, I only get a chance to wear them a few times a year. My lingerie corsets– I probably have 50 or more of these (lol). I can’t resist buying them. I keep one nice tight lacing corset, just in case. 🙂

There are specific types of corsets to be worn under your clothes. These are great body shapers, tighter than fashion or outer corsets. I think satin is the most comfortable and the least noticeable. Usually, depending on well it fits, you won’t see it through the clothing. Mostly, a corset gives itself away with extreme body shapes, or fat bulging over or under the corset. I also notice the awkward stiff movements it can cause in a novice wearer, but most probably wouldn’t. They can be really flattering with the right tight waisted dress, or if the girl wearing it has the body for it. Many underclothes corsets have garters, which I personally love, it’s my primary reason for wearing one.

What is your favorite thing about wearing corsets?

ABB: A corset forces me to move more deliberately; adds more sensuality to my movements. Walking, bending, taking a seat, eating, even just standing, are all done with a corset inspired feminine grace. Mostly, the process of putting one on, and just wearing it, is in itself, a boost to my femininity. The absolute best part for me…
I feel and look sexier.

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Is there anything left that we should discuss that I haven’t asked?

ABB: The only things we didn’t discuss(i think), that we should, is breathing and other health concerns.

It can be difficult to breathe from the lower lobe or the diaphragm when laced in a corset. Some women can’t get passed the feeling of not being able to catch their breath. This just takes practice. It can be done. If an opera soprano can learn to sing while tight-laced, surely we can learn to breathe just doing normal daily things.

In order to see any organ movement from tightlacing a woman must lose at least 30% of her waist measurement. I have no personal experience with that, but I have talked to a few girls that do, it can be painful and have unpredictable consequences. If someone is going to take waist training this far, she needs a support community and/or a doctor that understands and supports tightlacing(they do exist).

As for other health concerns, almost every single purposed health risk has been debunked, but do your research before you start lacing. Most important, listen to your body.

I recommend reading this book The Corset: A Cultural History by Valerie Steele
even though it’s written by a fashion historian, it answers a lot of questions about health risks and the truth behind past politics of the corset.

Thank you.
Arya

 

Thank you Arya Blue for answering my questions! I’m completely fascinated by the whole concept and hope to get a real corset in the near future. I did get a cheap one off of Amazon, and it is a lot stronger that I thought it would be. I replaced the wimpy, short ribbon for a five foot grosgrain ribbon and it works pretty well. The corset is way too short though – I’m pretty long.

Corsets & Tight-lacing: A Conversation with Arya Blue (Part 1)

After finding out that Arya Blue has a lot of experience in corsets and tight-lacing, I asked if she could answer some questions about them for my readers, and luckily she agreed! She even picked out some pictures! The  post ran a little long, so I divided it into 2 posts. Part 2 will be posted Wednesday morning.

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You said that you have been tight-lacing since you were a teen, were you a casual user, like for cosplay or burlesque, or did you waist train?

ABB: How I got started with tight-lacing — I was the first girl in my class to get boobs and a butt, they came all at once too. I felt fat when I wore baggy clothes, boxy. I started to accentuate my small waist with tight clothes or shirts that exposed my midriff. Without my budding(lol) obsession with having a small waist, I probably wouldn’t have even considered tight-lacing.

I spent a lot of time at the library when I was younger (a lot!). The summer I turned 14, I was just starting to get into historical victorian romance (almost erotica; heavy on romance with lots of sex euphemisms). These were horribly written, predictable garbage, middle age women take on vacation type books, but several of them discussed tightlacing. It was enough to spark my curiosity in waist training. That summer, I read everything I could find on the subject of corsets/waist training.

I started with ace bandages, cheap and easy. I would suck in my stomach, wrap myself as tight as I could and sleep that way. I did this, almost every night for a year. It took me a few months of practice before I could get it tight enough, so it wouldn’t slip while I slept. Sometimes, I even got up in the night and would re-wrap myself (I’m such a weirdo -lol). Eventually, I cut up several bandages, sewed them together, and put laces into it. It was really ugly. I saw noticeable changes within the first few months, and this kept me doing it. Since my body was still developing, there is no way to know how much of a difference wrapping myself made, but I personally believe it worked. I gave it up when I started seeing spots and experiencing blurry vision. I found out years later that this was because I was putting too much pressure on my abdominal area, not allowing for enough blood flow. This is a common problem with tightlacing.

Another thing to watch for is shooting pains in the legs. This is caused by too much pressure on the nerves above the tailbone(the sacrum). In both cases, it is your body telling you it’s too tight, loosen the corset. Always listen to your body.

TTC: Oh, that’s funny, when I was a kid I straightened my teeth using white dental floss and it worked; my teeth have been straight ever since! I wrapped behind teeth I wanted to pull forward and in front of teeth I wanted to pull back; it’s so hilarious how kids think and how they can work around financial and other concerns.

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You have a nice waist to hip ratio; do you think that has anything to do with wearing corsets, or is it purely from a lot of good work watching your diet and working out?

ABB: Thank you. 🙂 It is primarily my body type (good genetics). I’ve always had an hourglass figure, and since puberty I’ve been doing everything I can to keep it and show it off. Being only 5.1, I have to watch what I eat, not obsessively, but it’s certainly a part of it. Exercise is a big part of it too. I do a lot of specific exercises to keep a small waist (yoga, bends, leg lifts, hula hoop).

Tightlacing has worked for me and taken permanent inches off my waistline. Mostly, it’s allowed me to move and keep my fat deposits in more appealing places than my tummy. Tight-lacing is basically the diet and exercise of the past. It’s what women used before they had diet and exercise to mold their bodies. With that said, I’ve seen girls that waist train and don’t eat healthy or exercise, most end up with problem areas that are difficult to disguise (like a huge, misshapen butt). Waist training is not a quick fix, it’s uncomfortable and it takes time. If a girl is going to put the effort in to properly train her waist, she should be doing other things to maintain it too.

TTC: When I noticed that I formed permanent fat deposits above the waist of my jeans (a mini-muffintop, LOL) about a decade ago (after quitting smoking and gaining weight 5 years previous), I started using one of those rubber workout belts you wrap around your waist and sweat, but I wore it overnight for a couple of months, and that worked pretty well. It eventually broke and I didn’t replace it until recently. That was immediately what I thought of when I heard of waist training. I should probably take up the hula hoop though! That looks like an excellent and fun workout.

ABB: Hoops are popular dancing props in Burlesque. I read somewhere that burlesque is responsible for renewing interest hula hoops. An entire community now exists of hippie Jam band devotees doing crazy tricks with them. My cousin is a professional “hooper” (not even joking — I have another cousin who is a professional frisbee golfer. lol “Do want you love” means a lot in my family). I had her teach me a few of her tricks. It isn’t just moving it around your waist, although that is the best waist reducing exercise, but using your entire body for a difficult and creative workout. I highly encourage women to try it. Plus, it has the added advantage of making you feel silly and youthful, like jumping double dutch or doing extreme hopscotch. 🙂

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Were your first corsets the expensive custom ones, or did you ever buy and use any of the cheap ones off of the internet or from the mall?

ABB: After the ace bandages, I spent the rest of my teen years wearing lots of corsets and corset dresses. I was a bit odd and eccentric. 🙂 My mom taught me to sew growing up (she could make anything). I made most of my own clothes, including corsets. These were not waist training corsets, just fashion.

I didn’t do any proper waist training, until I started professionally dancing burlesque(19). On my second day (ever) of rehearsal, the director asked me if I had ever done any corset training. He informed me that I needed to learn to breathe and dance properly in a fitted corset (achieving a smaller waist was just a bonus). He recommended I have one made, and start sleeping in it. Another dancer(Nanette-mmmm), an experienced waist trainer, helped me fit it and make the corset. This was not a ‘wear out’ type of corset. It was an underbust, made from four layers of satin and was double boned steel, this was extreme waist training. I hated wearing it but enjoyed the shape it gave my body. I spent a year cheating (not wearing it as often, as long, or as tight, as I should), still it took at least 4 inches off my waist. I really didn’t want my waist any smaller, so for the most part I stopped tight-lacing.

In the years since, I only go back to waist training if I see any gain. Most notably, after I had my son. I had a difficult pregnancy, and spent almost 5 months on bed rest. I couldn’t exercise, and gained more weight than I wanted. I spent the first year, after having him, going through the early steps of waist training. I started by wearing spanx type trainers, within a few weeks of giving birth, and moved slowly back into my waist training corset. Tight-lacing helped me quickly get my body back in shape, but keep in mind, I breastfed for almost 2 years (burns calories and reduces belly swelling), worked out and ate healthy.

TTC: LOL, I was a bit odd and eccentric, too; my little sister and I collected and wore vintage clothes in the 1970s and early 1980s. There I’d be at some punk show wearing a pillbox hat, a froofy dress, stilettos and white cotton gloves. I also made a lot of my own clothes and have used a sewing machine ever since I was big enough to sneak into my parents’ room and use my mom’s machine to sew doll clothes. I thought about sewing my own corset, but the task seems daunting!

ABB: It’s difficult to make a tight-lacing corset. This is a garment you will wear (if truly waist training) for thousands of hours in a single year. It needs to be fitted and constructed correctly, or it will be unbearably uncomfortable. I have all kinds of advice on patterns and techniques I’ve learned along the way(that’s a post by itself). With the internet, information is so accessible, you shouldn’t have any problem finding resources to help you.
Useful websites:
Fran’s Writings on Corsetry and Tightlacing
Lucy’s Corsetry
Waisted Couture Corsetry

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Have you ever bought a corset that was professionally fitted?

ABB: Yes. Twice, both were made while I was still dancing burlesque and were part of stage costumes. My director loved to put me in ‘straight-jackets’’ (as he liked to all them). It’s a dramatic look for burlesque but it was incredibly difficult to retrain my movements and more importantly my breath control, while cinched in.

If someone is serious about waist training, they should have corset professionally fitted. They’re expensive($300 and up) and as you lose inches you have to have new ones made. It really adds up, but it’s the safest and most effective way to waist train. If you have tailoring and sewing skills, you can learn to make them yourself. It’s time consuming, and complicated (at first) but it’s much cheaper. Waist trainers don’t have to be pretty, but the do need to fit properly. I can’t stress enough how important the fit of a corset is, in relation to proper waist training. The general rule is to start with a corset that is 3 or 4 inches smaller than your waist. As your waist shrinks, so should your corset.

The best tight-lacing corsets are made from silk brocade (strong woven fabric). They must have steel boning, preferably double (twice as thick) steel bone. Look for ones with all spiral steel boning or at least some. It needs multiple layers of cloth, and extremely durable stitching. To prevent chafing from the laces, I recommend modesty panels. Make sure you take measurements from: your bust (if an over the bust type), under the breast, the waist, hips and the length between the bust and the hips.

Come back on Wednesday for the rest of the conversation!

 

Las Vegas on the Cheap

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[Here’s Mitch’s Las Vegas Primer. I was supposed to cross-post, and I’m not really sure how I screwed that one up; my only excuse is that I’ve been really busy catching up on work to go to Vegas, and the more numbers that go through my head, the less bright I become. Those are the times I concentrate on smiling and looking pretty, so that’s probably about all I’ll be able to do when I finally get there. P.S. this took about 10 minutes to type :/ ]

In honor of our upcoming trip to Vegas, I will let you know how we did the cheap thing there in the past. Most of these won’t apply to this trip because we are staying somewhere nice and safe, but you can never be too careful.

The first thing you should know is that cheap in Vegas means dangerous. The more a place costs, the safer it is. Downtown Fremont Street is cheap to stay and to gamble, but it is very dangerous. The more a place costs, the nicer it is, the more they pay for security, and the safer it is. I like Fremont Street, in spite of the danger; everything is close together and there’s a Walgreens if you forgot to pack something.

Downtown at night, about a third of all people are predators, a third are security and the remaining third are marks (you, lol). That homeless looking guy with no teeth sitting on the trashcan is security. Whatever you do, do not do a bunch of mushrooms and go to Fremont to watch the laser show. A shit-eating grin is to predators like fresh brains are to a zombie. A, uh, friend told me 🙂

Do not take anything to Vegas that you can’t replace. If you take extra jewelry, carry it with you. Do not leave anything of any value (cash, credit cards, jewelry, cameras, etc.) in your hotel room because you luggage will be riffled daily if you are staying somewhere cheap. Those hiding places that you think are really good are the first places the thieves look. Carry everything of any value with you at all times. The best plan is to leave anything at home that you might cry if you lost.

Bring doorstops with you and use them on the adjoining room doors. I think it is against fire codes to use them on the main door, but you can always use a chair on that one. Carry a messenger’s bag instead of a purse. It is big enough to hold everything, it can easily be worn across your torso, the large flap across the front is hard to reach into, and the straps are thick enough to deter a purse-snatcher. You can get a good, cheap one at the Army Surplus. Plus it has plenty of room for your flask.

I haven’t been to Vegas in a couple of years, but I go every few years for the last 20 years. It can be a pretty expensive place to party if you are just wandering around and not gambling. Last time I was there, it cost $6 for a Miller Lite at a casino bar downtown, and that’s cheap. I think it cost $9 for one at Margaritaville on the Strip. This adds up fast over the course of a day.

To get a free drink while out wandering around, go up to the bar and sit down at one of the poker machines. Put a $20 in the machine and play it (they actually have pretty good odds, and you will usually come out of it with the same $20 you put into it). The bartender will give you a chit to sign, and you sign it and give him a tip. Note: you can only do this to each bar every few hours, because the bartenders have strict rules, but usually each casino will have two or three different bars, so you can get pretty trashed after two or three casinos.

Another thing is that there are convenience stores that sell beer and sometimes booze. If all you are doing is wandering around seeing the sights, go in one of those, get a beer, and walk around with that. I have an 8oz flask that I will be wandering around with. Then there’s that whole drinking in your room before leaving it. Some people go to Vegas strictly to gamble, so their drinking is taken care of, but I usually end up wandering around most of the time.

Sign up for the Player’s Club. This won’t do a damn thing for you if you play the slots, but if you play table games, you can get some serious comps. We ate many a meal on the casino. We heard that you can also get room upgrades and other comps as well. I probably will only do this at my home casino because when you are with a group of people gambling, they are usually pretty mobile.

Always put out a $100 when you use your players card. It gives you comps out the wazoo, but you still need to gamble like you colored up for $20. American male dealers (croupiers) are the best because you can get them talking, they get into a rhythm, and you can bet according to numbers that have previously come up. Nuthin’ sweeter than a repeater! Asian females are the worst because they will not talk to you, they are completely random, and they play too fast to get a good grip on the table. While playing, if you have used your players card, ask for a meal.

If you jaywalk, the cabs will run you down and the cops will issue you a $90 ticket. Vegas is hard-core about jaywalking. Don’t do it. Do not do what we did and decide to jaywalk out to take a good picture of the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign. It is very dangerous and stupid, and the cops will circle you like sharks. I have heard that since we did that, Vegas has put a parking lot by the sign so that people can safely go out to there.

Start every adventure, especially bus (The Deuce) adventures, with a bottle of water. Do ride The Deuce (a double-decker bus that goes to downtown and the strip). Buy the 24 hour pass for $5 and ride it in the morning. Don’t try to ride the Deuce at night because it stops so often and for so long that walking is faster; if you need to go somewhere at night either walk or take a cab (you could do a limo of course, but that’ll cost you). We like to ride in the front window upstairs of the Deuce. You can ride around all morning and get a good view of all of Vegas.

Rent Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas to watch before going to get you in the right spirit. It is a good training film. Oh yeah, if you expect to go to the revolving bar in Circus Circus to get smashed and recreate the famous scene from the movie, you can’t. It is closed. Sometimes you just can’t go home again. Now Circus Circus is a kiddie place where you play games for stuffed animals.

Have T-shirts made before you go that say “I don’t want to buy a ticket/time-share”, because you will be inundated by salespeople hawking those. Maybe make a T-shirt for the girls that say “Not for Hire” because if you stand outside the men’s restroom waiting for your husband, you will get a lot of offers for a “date”. Go for it and make some extra cash for the trip! It stays in Vegas! (oh yeah, except for The Herp – you take that home with you).

Don’t Badmouth Your Man

Office girls sharing secret shocked expression

Over at the RedPillWoman subreddit there was a little dust-up on a post I submitted about a girl going all over Reddit talking about how her boyfriend doesn’t clean the house, is bullying her, won’t marry her so she can get more financial aid, and does she really have to be SuperWoman?

Basically she was making fun of us RPW saying that women should cater to their men. I made the submission and then was called out because the chick in question says she is bipolar. Evidently, saying that you are bipolar is a Get Out of Jail Free Card. It wasn’t her fault, and nothing else is her fault either because she says she has this disorder.

But that’s not what I’m here to discuss; I’m here to discuss badmouthing your man. Don’t do it. Men shouldn’t badmouth their women either, but it is particularly odious to do it to a man because the world is way too ready to believe bad things about men, and the world tends to let women off lightly.

Say you have a tiff with your man, and you call your sister to cry on her shoulder. You tell her all the horrible things that happened and let slip that he scared you. Now your sister thinks he is one step away from beating you, and she will never think any differently about him. Thirty years of unwavering devotion cannot pry this image from her mind.

Say you are mad at your man for something minor, and you call your mom to vent. You start off with how he didn’t take out the garbage yesterday, but then you get carried away and before you know it you are calling him lazy and shiftless. Your mom will forever think of your man as lazy and shiftless. He can work five jobs full-time, and he will still be lazy and shiftless in her eyes.

It is particularly wrong to badmouth him to single friends. The problem with single friends is that they are incapable of hanging onto a man, which is why they are single. Since the slightest infraction will cause them to drop a man, they will encourage you to dump your man. You can get someone better! Someone who will take better care of you than him! I love how single women are always so ready with relationship advice.

Not only does badmouthing your man make him look bad in other people’s eyes, but it makes you look bad, too. Why are you in a relationship with someone who treats you badly or someone you complain about? Why do you put up with that?

It’s not just that others will think badly of your man, but that you are also probably saying these things to his face, and that is completely disrespectful. Even thinking these things is disrespectful. If you have a complaint, you need to set aside some time for a serious discussion with him, and without emotion, whining, accusing, or nagging, tell him the problem.

If you are feeling put upon or like you are doing everything, maybe make a list of things that each of you do. On one post, a commenter asked about everyone’s division of labor in their relationship, and when I was responding, I realized that my husband does a lot more than I really gave him credit for.

I completely forgot that he pays all the bills and handles investments and our finances. That’s a lot of work. I only thought about the physical stuff that I actively see him doing, not the invisible stuff that gets done behind the scenes. You might realize that the division of labor is indeed unfair; you may realize that it is you who is doing too little.

Be Nice – Just Be Yourself

just-be-yourself

Have you ever wondered why your mother, sisters, cousins, and the chick that has friend-zoned you told you to be nice & just be yourself? I do. It’s because they have no desire to be attracted to you & they want you to be nice TO THEM & just be yourself TO THEM.

They really have no use for a son, brother, cousin who calls them out on their bad behavior & refuses to kowtow to their every whim. They need someone to help them move, run errands for them, and buy them stuff. They need you to listen to their complaints. They need you to unclog their drains.

The girls who friend-zone you & tell you that you will make some (other) girl a great boyfriend? They want you to be nice & just be yourself so that they can cry on your shoulder when their bad boy doesn’t call or dumps them. They want your male opinion on how to make their bad boy keep calling.

Besides, if you were to wise up, quit being nice & start being a better version of yourself, you would be too busy dating or spending time with a girlfriend to cater to all of the women in your life that you are not having sex with.