Tag Archives: INTJ

Introverted Girls (part 3 – care & feeding)


So say you found the elusive introvert girl & have even had a word or two with her & you want to continue down the path of never-ending love. It’s difficult because she is skittish & tends to withdraw into her shell, but I might be able to give you a few tips for dealing with her.

It’s hard to write these posts because I’m essentially saying, “This is how much of a freak I am & I can’t deal with you, so this is how you have to deal with me, or leave me the hell alone.” But, there seem to be a lot of people doing searches for this info, so I’m gonna put it out there. Please keep in mind that all I know about introverted girls is what I know about myself & I’m kind of a worst case scenario as I am pretty highly introverted, INTJ, etc.

Text; don’t call. If you want to make me audibly yelp & drop my phone – call me. Texting is much better & allows me time to dissect my response properly. If you call & startle me I’m going to blurt out all sorts of vaguely inappropriate things & make a complete ass of myself. If you text, I will probably do the same, but a little more nuanced.

Have hobbies. On any given day I have a number of terribly nerdy “experiments” in process or I’m studying something that is taking all of my attention. Like tonight I’m starting a new batch of rice beer (with special glutinous rice!) and broiling & then simmering chicken feet for bone broth. I might get a wild hair in a month or two & paint a few paintings for the open-call art show during the holidays. I can’t have you breathing down my neck the whole time. My husband goes outside & builds things & does a lot of masonry (bonus points for shirt off, sweaty, muscles rippling, hubba hubba).

Be interesting. Whereas your introvert will be self entertaining, she probably won’t find you interesting unless you are. She doesn’t want to hear about your hair gel or whatever it is that boring people talk about, but she might be fascinated by the steps you took to rebuild that carburetor. My husband was into flying & skydiving & rock climbing & all manner of activities that provided lots of tingles.

Don’t be negative. If I can hardly handle being around people, I certainly can’t handle someone bitching constantly. I either go far, far away or it gets to the point where I want to (& sometimes do) scream, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” Being overly upbeat & perky is kind of annoying too, but not nearly as bad. If you are having a bad day, it isn’t going to help you to vocalize it for an hour, but it will definitely bring her down.

Don’t touch her without some sort of warning. I have a really bad reaction to being touched without warning by strangers. I mean, once she knows you, she will be fine, but if it is the first part of the first date you might want to get her to touch you first by teasing & getting her to hit your arm or something. At least move slowly toward her when you go to touch so she has a few seconds to get used to the idea.

Don’t move too fast. She’s probably not going to sleep with you on the first date if she is very introverted. Hell, it took my husband & me a month to kiss after we realized that we were essentially dating. It’s the curse of the double INTJ couple, lol. If she does go home with you right after you meet, she will likely either be drunk or she will be fairly uncomfortable with the whole sex process, not to mention the whole waking up sober with a stranger process.

Don’t yell unless she does something really bad. If someone I care about yells at me I shut down completely. Like I need to go to sleep. If I’m not in a position to go to sleep, I go mute. I literally cannot talk – my brain won’t come up with anything to say. I might also feel like I have to throw up. Save this for relationship-breaking bad behavior because yelling at her may be a relationship breaker. If my husband yells at me for some reason, he has to coax me back into talking to him. It’s that bad. If it is a stranger or someone I don’t care about then I have no problem at all dealing a harsh slap-down.

Be decisive. Make the plans, drive the car, order the food, go to the bar to get the beer. She will be grateful. Whereas an extrovert will have all sorts of places to go & loves going to new places, the introvert might, but doesn’t really want to be the one doing the navigating & dealing with the servers. I can hardly deal with a new bartender at a place I’ve been going to for years; the ones that know me already have my order ready by the time we get to the bar.

If this all sounds like a pain in the ass, it is. Here I am telling you that you have to do EVERYTHING, and it sucks because if you want an introverted girl, you are likely an introvert yourself, so you really don’t want to do the same things that she doesn’t want to do, so it’s a conundrum. Here’s the deal though, you are the man & you just have to be the man. That’s really all there is to it.

If all goes well, she will reward you with pleasant, interesting, usually smart companionship & she won’t talk your ear off or be clingy. She will be equally fine with going places with you & staying home & snuggling. She will likely be very loyal because she has lived her whole life on the fringe & will probably appreciate finally belonging to another person.

Disclaimer: Each person is different & the above doesn’t necessarily reflect every introvert girl. I am taking from my own experiences & I’m a bit of an extreme example. Introverts have varying degrees of introversion and/or social anxiety. Also, you should never take dating advice from a female, so use your own best judgment, lol.

The Fringe is Fine

two animals_ (17)

I’ve always been on the fringe, never in & of a large group. Not that I’ve never tried to be an integral part of a group, but that I was never a good fit for any group. In fact, I beat my head against the brick wall of a bunch of different groups trying to be a part of & fulfill a function of the group, but it has never worked.

I’m not sure if it is my introversion that has hindered, if my INTJ “know everything; question everything” is off-putting, or if it is my inability to kiss-ass that has kept me on the fringe of every group. Even here at work I am in my own office whereas everyone else is grouped in another office, including the owner of the company.

Even with my family, I am not really an integral part. They always forget that I exist; I’m not sure if it is accidental or “accidental on purpose”, but it is there. I gave up even trying with them years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I attend family functions when summoned, but I’m rarely summoned except for the expected ones like birthdays & holidays. I’m fine with this now; they are kind of a pain in the ass, anyway (sour grapes, lol!).

Just look at this fluffy little blog; skirting on the fringes of the manosphere, but not in & of the manosphere because I have an inny & not an outy. There is no way I will truly understand the male mind because I will never have one. I like the manosphere because it has lots of excellent advice, is mostly very friendly, polite people, so I’m gonna continue to hang.

I like reading the red pill sites dealing with bettering yourself & better ways of dealing with girls because these guys write really well & can really turn a phrase like very few people can. They are oftentimes very, very funny, which I try to be occasionally, but I’m not incredibly funny like them. I think that men have a larger capacity for humor than females do.

I also read a lot economic sites & I am definitely not a part of that group because they are way smarter than I am on all of that money stuff. I am mainly about self sufficiency & frugality, as far as economics go. I am also interested in “enjoying the decline” & preparedness. I see the world unraveling & I take measures to ride out the storm as best as possible. But these people are crazy smart & I’m mostly merely curious & using their knowledge.

The feminine side of the manosphere is another pretty cohesive group where I don’t really belong. I’m not religious, have no kids, I’m old, & whereas I have given up leadership of my relationship with my husband & try hard to submit to his authority, I’m pretty sure their version of “submission” is a lot different than mine. I really like reading their stuff,  they have awesome rants & they are also very friendly & polite, so I’m continuing to hang there as well; I just don’t have a lot to add to the conversation.

I also skirt on the fringes of the paleosphere; I am mostly paleo, but not a frothing adherent or anything. And holy hell, the paleosphere has a ton of drama & in-fighting. I mainly eat real foods that I cook myself or eat at a few restaurants that minimally process their food. But if there is a plate of cookies, there is a good chance that I will take & eat one.

And I’m not complaining; what good would it do? This is just something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and trying to figure out why it is so. Why do I even try? I think that I try because I want to be more social. It is easy to live inside my head 24/7 & I need to try to get outside my head & interact with others even though I’m socially backwards.

I also think that I am an extremely small-group person, like me & my husband small-group: a group of two. It is the only group where I have fully belonged & felt utter comfort. It’s funny because my husband is the same as far as not being a “group person”. I am his only in-group, as well. We just don’t function well in the larger world. We have very few peers because we have yet to meet anyone else like us.

So what am I going to do with all of this navel-gazing? I’m going to just continue on with my life & take it as it comes. I’m going to try my hardest to make my “group of two” the best group that it is capable of being. I’m going to socialize on my favorite blogs & try not to re-read & cringe at the goofy comments I leave. I’m going to be the best damn fringe-hanger-on I can possibly be 😀

Introverted Girls (part 2 – becoming familiar)


The main problem with meeting introverted girls is that they are more skittish than a deer in rifle sights. Come on too strong & she’ll either cringe in horrification, blast you with a biting slap-down, or run & hide. If you give her the nuclear neg, it will not make her tingle. Acting aloof to try to get her to approach you won’t work because she automatically puts everyone on hard ignore.

Frankly, unless she is pretty damaged, she will probably not go home with you if you are a stranger. Touching her first isn’t really a good idea either. If she is really cute, she has probably had her fill of extroverts dating her for a period of time & then dumping her because she isn’t the bubbly cheerleader type. She is probably pretty leery of your intentions.

Matt has the right idea: infiltrate her in-group. To make her feel more comfortable, try being a regular presence in her life to some extent. Whether you try happy hour game, lunchtime game, or church game, the main thing is familiarity. Sometimes there is a girl who fits this bill who is right under your nose, someone who is already familiar. This would save some time.

My suggestion would be to look around your daily activities & hobbies to see if you have maybe overlooked the big-eyed quiet girl. Maybe she works at one of your favorite haunts or is the girl in the back corner of the classroom. Maybe she is the one always looking at her phone so that she looks occupied. She could even be a family friend that you have known forever.

If you find an introvert you want to pursue & you don’t know her, the best way of getting her attention is to greet her and then leave her alone unless she actually talks back beyond the returned greeting. Doing this a few times will let her know that you are friendly without being intrusive. It will make her feel more comfortable. If you are in her presence without saying anything it will only add to her isolation.

Another good approach is to try and talk about something out of the ordinary, something that will spark an interest. If you try the stale “you’re pretty” approach, it isn’t going to work very well. Francis has an awesome comment on this: (btw, that entire post is great)

Also, I think the connect with the emotions is a big one. I managed to get a makeout by talking passionately about the Austrian School of Economics, a subject boring to 99.9 percent of people, but when you go on about “inflation robs people, the elites screwing people over”, the fate of the world, it can work, hilariously enough.

If this long, slow mating dance sounds like a lot of trouble, it is. The thing is that if you are able to start a relationship with a nice introverted girl she is a lot more likely to be loyal, stick with you, and not flake than your usual narcissistic queen bee type. The introverted girl is also much more likely to appreciate you “just being yourself” and will probably need a lot less game.

On the other hand, you will probably need to come from a stronger frame to be able to navigate the relationship towards the long-term. You will be the one that has to take the relationship to the next level, but your reward is that she will not question your leadership much & she will most likely be very low drama.

Also, if you are doing this to slowly game her to get a notch, there will be a special place in hell reserved just for you. Introverted girls are some of the last few girls in the world that still have a heart to break.

Disclaimer: Each person is different & the above doesn’t necessarily reflect every introvert girl. I am taking from my own experiences & I’m a bit of an extreme example. Introverts have varying degrees of introversion and/or social anxiety. Also, you should never take dating advice from a female, so use your own best judgment, lol.

Introverted Girls (part 1 – finding them)


I am going to try my best to explain the introvert girl, but I really only have me and a couple of friends to go by. Keep in mind that I might be a special snowflake so YMMV.

I’m also kind of an extreme version; I scored high in all 4 areas of INTJ – 60s & 70s in all areas. I took an Autism Spectrum Quotient & also scored high (I’ve always scored high on tests, lol!) at 27 when I think “normal” is 16 & Aspergers is 35 or so. As a more introverted person I might see the less introverted as extroverts.

If I were typed by Koanic Soul for his forum (husband didn’t seem wildly excited about me sending pictures, so no go) I would probably be typed as a TT because I have a good-sized occipital lobe & large green eyes. This type is described as “sensitive” and monogamous and is protected from the rest of the forum. Also, another funny thing about his site is I have always used koans, I just didn’t know what they were called & I thought it was a OCD thing or something.

All that being said, other introvert females probably won’t be as bad as me.

So, where the hell are you going to find these introverted girls? The problem with meeting introverted girls is that either they segregate themselves or they are segregated by society, employers, etc. Like right now at my job there is a large office that houses all the office workers & then I’m put in a separate office (the only person not in the large office) so that I can “concentrate on numbers”. At first I was kind of hurt that they segregated me, but now I’m fine with it. Those extroverts in the large office NEVER SHUT UP EVER!!! Plus, my office has large windows. I win.

The introverted girl will be put in a position best befitting her brain – she will be in a secluded, quiet place cataloging something. She will be in the bowels of the museum cataloging pottery, not at the front desk greeting people. She will be in the back of the library, not manning the information counter. She will be in the kitchen, not the hostess at the restaurant. In college she is the girl painting in the deserted art building in the middle of the night. In other words, she will rarely be seen in public.

The introvert girl is the one that takes a book to the bar during happy hour. Or really, the one reading a book in public. In fact, this might be a way to get past her defenses; sit next to her & open a book & start reading. Now of course, with the ubiquitous smart phone, she will be reading something on her phone about Gut Flora or whatever is her latest obsession.

And she will have defenses! If you do find the elusive introvert it will take you some time before she lets you past her shields. If you come on too strong there is an equal chance that she will leave or she will cut you down viciously. Sometimes her introversion will be masked by alcohol & she might even engage! But she will probably not go home with you.

I think the best approach to meeting an introverted girl is to cultivate an interest in something non-mainstream. I’m wracking my brain to think of where these girls might actually hang, but I’m coming up empty.

Personally, one of my favorite activities is looking for strange books in the “metaphysical” section of Goodwill. You can find a lot of cool anthropology books from the 1970s before political correctness killed the field. I also look for really old cookbooks with pioneer recipes & old-time frontier wisdom. I like going to Asian & Mexican groceries to look at the offal (& sometimes buy, but it intimidates me!); I like going to mainstream grocery stores at 8am on the weekends.

I go to happy hour at very small neighborhood bars. This might be the easiest place to find them. A lot of times you might find them in a larger group of girls during nighttime hours; she is the one quietly smiling. Just look for the big-eyed girl who won’t talk to you. No pressure!

photo via trishwriter11

Meeting Other Introverts

goldfish jumping out of the water

Say you are an introvert, how do you go about meeting others of your kind? On the surface it seems easy, but the problem is that the introvert isn’t going to come up & introduce themselves or anything. If you happen to sit next to an introvert they probably won’t talk to you beyond acknowledging your existence (if you even get that) unless they’ve had a few too many.

If someone does talk to you, they are probably an extrovert & talking to them can either be mildly amusing or can be exhausting. The problem is that extroverts don’t really parse their speech; whatever comes into their heads comes out their mouths, generally. This is why talking to most people can be so annoying.

Meeting other introverts is a lengthy process, but it is worth it because once you get them to talk to you they have incredibly interesting things to say. They spend most of their lives in solitary activities like reading books & looking up things on the internet. Sometimes they just roll ideas around inside their heads until they either make sense or are discarded.

So how do you do it? Well, little known fact is there is a place introverts gather; happy hour at your small local neighborhood dive bar. Extroverts go out at night; introverts gather from happy hour until about 10 when the bar fills with the late night extrovert crowd. Now if you are an introvert, you might find it difficult going into a strange bar because places full of people aren’t your cup of tea, but gird your loins & go in. The perfect bar is one where when you walk in everyone looks at the door, but no one greets you except maybe the bartender.

So if you successfully enter a bar & obtain a beverage, then sit at the bar & drink your drink. Sitting at the bar is imperative; no one will notice you if you sit at a table & if they do notice you, sitting at a table signifies that you want to be left the hell alone. Sitting at the bar is a friendlier approach even if you never speak to anyone except the bartender to say “Miller Lite”.

If anyone talks to you, they are either an extrovert or drunk. You can either talk back or ignore them; it doesn’t matter, you are biding your time & becoming a regular. This is a lengthy process. You may show up at the same bar for a month & never meet another introvert, but they all see you, and your repeated appearance will make them more comfortable around you (and you them).

Extroverts are bewildered by the mere thought of this process, this mating dance. Extroverts have no problem meeting people, so they see no need to get comfortable around people before opening their prolific yaps. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. I mean, don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends & favorite siblings are extroverts. They are super swell, but they just don’t understand.

Since this is such a lengthy process, you would do well to do this at multiple bars. Three different bars should be sufficient. You don’t want to be seen at the same one every day, if you can even drag yourself out in public that often. Plus, you need more than one bar because seeing the same people time after time can be draining. It’s like they need more time to have different topics of conversation, or if you see them too often you get sucked into their drama. Drama = trauma.

After the second or third time all the other introverts see you, they will start to give little signals of acknowledgement: a nod here, a grunt there. This is good – baby steps. Eventually one of the less introverted ones will actually speak an entire sentence or ask a question. When this happens, you are in. You have been accepted. It may take another month or two to be fully integrated into their “cone of silence” but once you are in, the place is yours forever.

You may think I’m poking fun, or this is a satire, but I’m absolutely serious. Both my husband & I are INTJs, and this is how we deal with socializing. Just as you need some quiet alone time, you also need to talk to other people. You can’t sit home forever (well you can, but I don’t suggest it). We have four or five different small bars (occupancy < 80) we shuffle between. All of them are populated almost exclusively by introverts during happy hour – not at night; the night crowd is very different. Right now there are two of them we are avoiding (don’t ask), but in a couple of months we will have a different two we avoid & will return to the original two. Sometimes people have to miss you to appreciate you.